An Ode to 'No More Bullsh**t'

Minnesota! Minnesota! MINNESOTA OOOO! How many times have I shouted your name?!!! Minnesota will not kill me. Sorry folks, a good week to everyone. I was just lamen- sorry haling the weather here, after it just hailed me. Yes hailed; I thought I had seen every kind of weather until I came here. Would you believe that in just a space of the two hours I went out jogging in the park near my hotel this morning it snowed, then rained before falling as sleet? Yes my friends, I watched incredulously as first the snowflakes fluttered down from the sky, the delicate icy lattice settling onto my jacket with the uncertainty of a newborn kitten, and then fall into heavier drops of water, melting through the fabric in ghostly shapes, before bouncing angrily off it in little icy pellets! What was a sweltering 72F/22C – yes, it is for Minnesota, go suck a lemon! – the day before, plummeted to 34F/1C the very next day at 8am in spring! My total respect in all these goes to the original owners of the land, the natives that lived the land for hundreds of years. Those guys must have been extremely resourceful to have raised families in conditions where boiling water thrown into the air instantly freezes, or where a banana could be used to hammer nails into wood. I hail you guys.

Just got back from Atlanta, the city of woods as far as I’m concerned, for the premiere of my lovely sis Blessing Egbe’s movie Two Brides and a Baby and it was glorious! There are trees everywhere! Tall green majestic friendly looking trees, a world apart from the wintry serial killer looking tree havens you find up here in Minnesota. Yes, you guessed it, I do love trees; they give us fresh air, absorb unnecessary noise, absorb air pollutants and maintain our earth’s surface integrity. Mmm, trees… Atlanta has become one of my best cities in the world; it’s very accommodating, is vibrant; one has the feeling that everyone there is young and moving in the right direction. Even the not so young still have a strong zest for life. As a young African man, I felt quite at home there; I noticed there was in the city a strong black and vibrant community, where people did not seem to be apologetic for their aspirations to being successful in whatever ambitions they had, and for having a zest for life. In the short time I was there I felt the vibe of many cultures interspersed with one another, each with a willingness to learn from the others; Nigerian, Jamaican, Ghanaian, African American, White to mention but a few. It was nice.

Drat! I was supposed to talk about the premiere I came to the city for and got carried away. Everything carried me away, even the premiere and the wonderful people who made it happen. Even though we were two, Blessing Effiom Egbe and I – Stella Damasus and O C Ukeje, the other stars in the movie couldn’t make it – we more than made up for the absence of the others. We were like a bag of lit firecrackers, so full of energy and feeding off one another at press conferences, radio and television interviews and photo shoots. Our hosts, Deji and Jide, owners of Snapflix and their crew were phenomenal. Even though we were caught up in a whirlwind of activities and business meetings the minute we hit the ground, that team never for a moment failed to cater to our every need, however ‘whimsical’ –“y’all know I ain’t no diva”.

What I really want to say is I see a new lease of life being breathed into our entertainment industry, not from governments or from large corporations who want to dole out huge sums of money to make great big movies, but from a crop of young Africans, at home and abroad, who genuinely want to affect our world and the rest of the world around us. Africans who want to tell our own stories genuinely, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry. Why we love our pounded yam and egusi soup, fufu and palm butter soup, dodo and agoyin beans. Why a friendly banter between us might prompt a white lady to call 911 or why we fear our parents more than the child services agency and the police combined. I see a departure from the visionless insipid mush to which our movies have degenerated, to a budding industry that takes itself seriously as both a business and a drive to stamp our own Africaness, rich and vibrant, spicy and exotic, proud and irresistibly different, on the global cultural map. I want to be a part of that industry, even if my only contribution to it is by scribbling these measly lines as an ode to it, I want to be part of it if it is clean and genuine. Have a great week everyone!

Predator

Good week tout le monde! Easter’s just gone past; a fresh new year, a new lease of life for us Christians. A sweetheart of mine, ScarletVirgin on twitter – I have never known a name so cynical, going by her scandalous outbursts on that forum – once said that as a child, she looked forward to Good Fridays when she would pile up all the sins she committed for the year, throw them away with Jesus’ death and start afresh the following Monday. I’m not sure what her status is now but judging from her colourful language on twitter, she has either resorted to a daily cleansing with our Lord’s blood or given up entirely on any pretence at purification. My Easter weekend was a mixed bag of work, play and rest. Woke up at THREE in the morning to catch my FIVE am flight to Atlanta, hit the ground running by going straight into the charity work I was scheduled for till I was done at TWO am the next day, hit the shower, got dressed, went to a nightclub nearby, got back to the hotel at FIVE, hit the shower again, got dressed and headed for the airport to catch my FIVE hour 8am flight to Minnesota! I felt so sorry for the pretty onyibo lady seated beside me on the plane – my snoring must have added to the turbulence on the plane during the flight. The rest of the weekend was spent alternating between the bed, the fridge and the toilet seat. So, how was everyone else’s?

Thanks for the feedback on my last post. As always, some of you had me guffawing with laughter, most of whom was the ever irreverent imp Formerly Stealth Reader and her unabashed taste for vanilla milkshake. Yes Formerly, he was that scrumptious, according to Frieda, yes she was there as well, who flirted outrageously with him and even told me she’d give him two babies, to my face! Regarding his abs, well, let’s put it this way; you’d have to claw your way to the front of the queue – and I was with black women. Hopefully you’d still look presentable enough by the time you get there. Then again, there’s something about the panting, heaving, bleeding scratched tigress. Hmm…

I absolutely love the women of nowadays! Gone are the days when I used to believe we men were the predators. You only have to touch the right spot in the female homo sapiens to realize you are the insect in the venus flytrap. Be a horrible lover and you are free from her grasp. Be stupid enough to be a good lover and give her multiple orgasms and you are finished; you have become her antidote for every day, and every stress that comes her way. Unlike us men predators who attack, conquer and move on, perpetual nomads, these predators are smart; they think of tomorrow; they bolster the strength and needs of their prey, nurturing them, fattening them, feeding their ego, stealthily and cyclically guiding them back to the nurturing fertile gardens from whence they came, all the while making them think they are in charge. You only have to see an intruder (their fellow stealth predators) within their marked territory to unmask their true nature. It’s an enchanted spell I tell you and I love it! I have already told God that if there’s no sex in heaven there’d best be something far better otherwise I’m holding up a placard. Yes, I said it! I can’t fear anyone! God created sex and saw that it was good and I Kalu am living proof of that! Where is that nonsense Frieda?! Oya, come here…! Wait for what?!! Shut up! Tempter of me!

Sorry, have a great week everyone!

The Challenge

Good week to everybody! I’m in better spirits now than I have been in the past weeks or should I say months. What has changed, I don’t know, I mean things are pretty much the same way they have been this year; still looking for more money to solve my incessant needs, Frieda still screeching in my left ear and futilely thinking that nagging me continuously is going to get me to do what she wants when she wants it – she never halla!- or eating from my plate when she has hers right in front of her and calling it love! Life has its small every day tragedies I tell you! Maybe those small tragedies are there to keep us from blowing our heads off when the tsunamis come but then, that’s just me. Why then do I feel different today? I think it’s perhaps the thought that I spent over a hundred dollars today buying only fruit on which I intend living solely on for the duration of a month. Of course I will procure more should I exhaust my supplies. Or perhaps my elation at making my very first successful smoothie from very humble beginnings comprising the most disgusting non-fat vanilla yoghurt, fresh strawberries, fresh blueberries, kiwi fruit and bananas blended into a pink creamy tasty smoothie delight this afternoon. All accomplished by the great culinary skills of Kalu Ikeagwu! Mrs Nkem Odewunmi eat your heart out! The reason behind my fruity expedition is simply competition and self preservation.

I had done a movie in New York involving a large cast. It was quite exhausting, mostly because I was in most of the scenes and a lot of them were emotionally tasking. I worked with a large number of people at different times and this meant I met new people all the time, worked towards getting used to working with each individual and just as I would begin to get used to the one, the one would be yanked away and another take his/her position, and the whole cycle would start all over again. Anyway, in one of such instances I, my character, was supposed to have a heated argument with a medical colleague and friend over a medical decision in my office. There were a lot ‘nonsensical’ medical terms in the scene that took some getting used to, so the other actor and I, after introductions, got down to rehearsing our lines. He was an extremely good looking well built white guy about my height and none of the ladies in the vicinity could keep still on account of him. Yes, I did feel a little green creeping in my colour at the sight of this, this fine intruder taking away my shine and having all the girls swooning at his feet. “The true test of why we’re here will show the boys from the men!”, I seethed, supposing him to be just a pretty airhead who was caught up solely in his looks. When we began the dry run (ultimate rehearsals) in preparation for the actual take, and this ‘airhead’ let rip, I was left a spectator in my own scene. Everyone’s jaw dropped, then clapped; nobody expected that performance from him. But, trust your guy na , it only happened once. I stepped up my game sharp sharp! For the next five scenes we did together after that, it was fire for fire, toe to toe, head to head, without ever overacting. It was sublime. I remembered what it was like being with serious actors who take their work seriously, as a craft to be honed and practiced continuously.

My useless director kept dancing up and down with glee! “Kalu! Now I have seen someone who’ll keep you on your toes and not let you get comfortable! Others let you get away with anything but me? I will punish you to get the best out of you!” *itch!

Well this nemesis of mine is going to be on the same project as me in a month’s time from now and I am not going to ‘carry’ last. My fruit regime starts yesterday with a vengeance in preparation for something I’m salivating over – a good challenge! Have a great week everybody!