An Ode to 'No More Bullsh**t'

Minnesota! Minnesota! MINNESOTA OOOO! How many times have I shouted your name?!!! Minnesota will not kill me. Sorry folks, a good week to everyone. I was just lamen- sorry haling the weather here, after it just hailed me. Yes hailed; I thought I had seen every kind of weather until I came here. Would you believe that in just a space of the two hours I went out jogging in the park near my hotel this morning it snowed, then rained before falling as sleet? Yes my friends, I watched incredulously as first the snowflakes fluttered down from the sky, the delicate icy lattice settling onto my jacket with the uncertainty of a newborn kitten, and then fall into heavier drops of water, melting through the fabric in ghostly shapes, before bouncing angrily off it in little icy pellets! What was a sweltering 72F/22C – yes, it is for Minnesota, go suck a lemon! – the day before, plummeted to 34F/1C the very next day at 8am in spring! My total respect in all these goes to the original owners of the land, the natives that lived the land for hundreds of years. Those guys must have been extremely resourceful to have raised families in conditions where boiling water thrown into the air instantly freezes, or where a banana could be used to hammer nails into wood. I hail you guys.

Just got back from Atlanta, the city of woods as far as I’m concerned, for the premiere of my lovely sis Blessing Egbe’s movie Two Brides and a Baby and it was glorious! There are trees everywhere! Tall green majestic friendly looking trees, a world apart from the wintry serial killer looking tree havens you find up here in Minnesota. Yes, you guessed it, I do love trees; they give us fresh air, absorb unnecessary noise, absorb air pollutants and maintain our earth’s surface integrity. Mmm, trees… Atlanta has become one of my best cities in the world; it’s very accommodating, is vibrant; one has the feeling that everyone there is young and moving in the right direction. Even the not so young still have a strong zest for life. As a young African man, I felt quite at home there; I noticed there was in the city a strong black and vibrant community, where people did not seem to be apologetic for their aspirations to being successful in whatever ambitions they had, and for having a zest for life. In the short time I was there I felt the vibe of many cultures interspersed with one another, each with a willingness to learn from the others; Nigerian, Jamaican, Ghanaian, African American, White to mention but a few. It was nice.

Drat! I was supposed to talk about the premiere I came to the city for and got carried away. Everything carried me away, even the premiere and the wonderful people who made it happen. Even though we were two, Blessing Effiom Egbe and I – Stella Damasus and O C Ukeje, the other stars in the movie couldn’t make it – we more than made up for the absence of the others. We were like a bag of lit firecrackers, so full of energy and feeding off one another at press conferences, radio and television interviews and photo shoots. Our hosts, Deji and Jide, owners of Snapflix and their crew were phenomenal. Even though we were caught up in a whirlwind of activities and business meetings the minute we hit the ground, that team never for a moment failed to cater to our every need, however ‘whimsical’ –“y’all know I ain’t no diva”.

What I really want to say is I see a new lease of life being breathed into our entertainment industry, not from governments or from large corporations who want to dole out huge sums of money to make great big movies, but from a crop of young Africans, at home and abroad, who genuinely want to affect our world and the rest of the world around us. Africans who want to tell our own stories genuinely, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry. Why we love our pounded yam and egusi soup, fufu and palm butter soup, dodo and agoyin beans. Why a friendly banter between us might prompt a white lady to call 911 or why we fear our parents more than the child services agency and the police combined. I see a departure from the visionless insipid mush to which our movies have degenerated, to a budding industry that takes itself seriously as both a business and a drive to stamp our own Africaness, rich and vibrant, spicy and exotic, proud and irresistibly different, on the global cultural map. I want to be a part of that industry, even if my only contribution to it is by scribbling these measly lines as an ode to it, I want to be part of it if it is clean and genuine. Have a great week everyone!

Predator

Good week tout le monde! Easter’s just gone past; a fresh new year, a new lease of life for us Christians. A sweetheart of mine, ScarletVirgin on twitter – I have never known a name so cynical, going by her scandalous outbursts on that forum – once said that as a child, she looked forward to Good Fridays when she would pile up all the sins she committed for the year, throw them away with Jesus’ death and start afresh the following Monday. I’m not sure what her status is now but judging from her colourful language on twitter, she has either resorted to a daily cleansing with our Lord’s blood or given up entirely on any pretence at purification. My Easter weekend was a mixed bag of work, play and rest. Woke up at THREE in the morning to catch my FIVE am flight to Atlanta, hit the ground running by going straight into the charity work I was scheduled for till I was done at TWO am the next day, hit the shower, got dressed, went to a nightclub nearby, got back to the hotel at FIVE, hit the shower again, got dressed and headed for the airport to catch my FIVE hour 8am flight to Minnesota! I felt so sorry for the pretty onyibo lady seated beside me on the plane – my snoring must have added to the turbulence on the plane during the flight. The rest of the weekend was spent alternating between the bed, the fridge and the toilet seat. So, how was everyone else’s?

Thanks for the feedback on my last post. As always, some of you had me guffawing with laughter, most of whom was the ever irreverent imp Formerly Stealth Reader and her unabashed taste for vanilla milkshake. Yes Formerly, he was that scrumptious, according to Frieda, yes she was there as well, who flirted outrageously with him and even told me she’d give him two babies, to my face! Regarding his abs, well, let’s put it this way; you’d have to claw your way to the front of the queue – and I was with black women. Hopefully you’d still look presentable enough by the time you get there. Then again, there’s something about the panting, heaving, bleeding scratched tigress. Hmm…

I absolutely love the women of nowadays! Gone are the days when I used to believe we men were the predators. You only have to touch the right spot in the female homo sapiens to realize you are the insect in the venus flytrap. Be a horrible lover and you are free from her grasp. Be stupid enough to be a good lover and give her multiple orgasms and you are finished; you have become her antidote for every day, and every stress that comes her way. Unlike us men predators who attack, conquer and move on, perpetual nomads, these predators are smart; they think of tomorrow; they bolster the strength and needs of their prey, nurturing them, fattening them, feeding their ego, stealthily and cyclically guiding them back to the nurturing fertile gardens from whence they came, all the while making them think they are in charge. You only have to see an intruder (their fellow stealth predators) within their marked territory to unmask their true nature. It’s an enchanted spell I tell you and I love it! I have already told God that if there’s no sex in heaven there’d best be something far better otherwise I’m holding up a placard. Yes, I said it! I can’t fear anyone! God created sex and saw that it was good and I Kalu am living proof of that! Where is that nonsense Frieda?! Oya, come here…! Wait for what?!! Shut up! Tempter of me!

Sorry, have a great week everyone!

The Challenge

Good week to everybody! I’m in better spirits now than I have been in the past weeks or should I say months. What has changed, I don’t know, I mean things are pretty much the same way they have been this year; still looking for more money to solve my incessant needs, Frieda still screeching in my left ear and futilely thinking that nagging me continuously is going to get me to do what she wants when she wants it – she never halla!- or eating from my plate when she has hers right in front of her and calling it love! Life has its small every day tragedies I tell you! Maybe those small tragedies are there to keep us from blowing our heads off when the tsunamis come but then, that’s just me. Why then do I feel different today? I think it’s perhaps the thought that I spent over a hundred dollars today buying only fruit on which I intend living solely on for the duration of a month. Of course I will procure more should I exhaust my supplies. Or perhaps my elation at making my very first successful smoothie from very humble beginnings comprising the most disgusting non-fat vanilla yoghurt, fresh strawberries, fresh blueberries, kiwi fruit and bananas blended into a pink creamy tasty smoothie delight this afternoon. All accomplished by the great culinary skills of Kalu Ikeagwu! Mrs Nkem Odewunmi eat your heart out! The reason behind my fruity expedition is simply competition and self preservation.

I had done a movie in New York involving a large cast. It was quite exhausting, mostly because I was in most of the scenes and a lot of them were emotionally tasking. I worked with a large number of people at different times and this meant I met new people all the time, worked towards getting used to working with each individual and just as I would begin to get used to the one, the one would be yanked away and another take his/her position, and the whole cycle would start all over again. Anyway, in one of such instances I, my character, was supposed to have a heated argument with a medical colleague and friend over a medical decision in my office. There were a lot ‘nonsensical’ medical terms in the scene that took some getting used to, so the other actor and I, after introductions, got down to rehearsing our lines. He was an extremely good looking well built white guy about my height and none of the ladies in the vicinity could keep still on account of him. Yes, I did feel a little green creeping in my colour at the sight of this, this fine intruder taking away my shine and having all the girls swooning at his feet. “The true test of why we’re here will show the boys from the men!”, I seethed, supposing him to be just a pretty airhead who was caught up solely in his looks. When we began the dry run (ultimate rehearsals) in preparation for the actual take, and this ‘airhead’ let rip, I was left a spectator in my own scene. Everyone’s jaw dropped, then clapped; nobody expected that performance from him. But, trust your guy na , it only happened once. I stepped up my game sharp sharp! For the next five scenes we did together after that, it was fire for fire, toe to toe, head to head, without ever overacting. It was sublime. I remembered what it was like being with serious actors who take their work seriously, as a craft to be honed and practiced continuously.

My useless director kept dancing up and down with glee! “Kalu! Now I have seen someone who’ll keep you on your toes and not let you get comfortable! Others let you get away with anything but me? I will punish you to get the best out of you!” *itch!

Well this nemesis of mine is going to be on the same project as me in a month’s time from now and I am not going to ‘carry’ last. My fruit regime starts yesterday with a vengeance in preparation for something I’m salivating over – a good challenge! Have a great week everybody!

The Wilderness

A good new year to everybody. Shame and guilt have wracked my being for the longest time – very much like the feeling a deer gets when he’s trapped in full glare, when everyone, including the occasional driver, is screaming for her to get out of the way before the fatal strike. Well I’ll jump into the loop while the swinging arms are still strong. Forgive my long absence everyone. I’ve been in the wilderness for the longest while. I say wilderness because I’ve been so heartbroken over the past few months. Most things I held to be true have come crashing down in a violent flash flood carrying with it some of the structure I had since built. but leaving the foundation firmly intact. People I held in the highest esteem have been shown to me as shells even more desperate than I. Some of my closest friends have been found not to be whom they seem. Rather than feel indignant at this discovery, or be puffed up with self-righteousness, my despondency has arisen from the realization of our vulnerability as humans. We are so frail! The tragic thing is we think we are invincible, that we can do it all – and we can! – but not when we choose to be self-absorbed, choose to use other people for our own needs instead of working with them as a team, and when desperate times befall us, largely a culmination of our lust for life, greed and selfishness, we enslave ourselves to forces we have no business affiliating with. More and more each day I am reminded of my fragility and the need to depend on the one who truly has my back no matter what the circumstance, God, my foundation upon whom I strive to build.

I know I sound rather cryptic but this missive is more of me thinking out loud to myself and bouncing it off of your crania. Frieda does that to me a lot so I suppose some her eccentricities must have rubbed off on me. I have missed you lot. I look forward to more therapeutic sessions with you. Have a great weekend everybody.

A Happy New Year?

A good first week of the year to everyone!
I’m back in good old sweltering Naija and it feels good! The normally
insane Lagos traffic that I’ve grown so used to is back and so am I
with my incessant stream of expletives I hurl at slow coaches who are
better off driving in their sitting rooms! God, they make me wish I
had long arms to reach out and hurl them out of my way. They make me
hurl! But that was then, a looooong time ago, some place of blessed
memory, a faded dot in the past. Now, today, a week later, just a week
after the fuel ‘subsidy’ was completely removed by our eminent
president of the people, Goodluck Jonathan, I am now being cursed to
get out of the way by those slow coaches. If Betty had a manual/stick
gear shift, I’d engage the gears half the way, and coast the rest of
the half on neutral - I’d switch the engine off if it wasn’t so
dangerous. These days I mind the calories Betty burns; her food is
very precious to me. I share the concerns of over a hundred million
other people about our future over the hundred and twenty percent fuel
price hike.

The second week of the year, and these concerns are being voiced out today en masse in protests going on all over the country. A labour strike has called for this week and from
what I observe, it is being effected by everyone I know, including me,
well they didn’t say not to work from home. My question is, as I’m
sitting here, how the heck am I going to have to pay over a double of
what I used to pay for just a week ago, that is, doubling my budget
for the rest of the year with little increase on my revenue as at the
moment? That’s not talking about my brothers who have whole families,
have spent a lot over the Christmas to give their loved ones a
memorable holiday, are about sending them off to school and then boom!
Suddenly the money they judiciously put away has to be more than
doubled if their kids are going the same level of education they got a
month earlier. Or the ones who went to their respective home towns for
the festive season only to be told, commencing their journey home,
that fares have tripled. I even heard some commuters had to sell what
belonging they had so they could get home – and that’s not counting
the families.

Well, third week of the year, strike’s over
now and everyone’s back to work. Petrol prices have been reduced by a
smidgen and it’s suffering and smiling as usual for us. I’m in kind of
a daze though, because I’m sitting here wondering what all the fuss
was about, I’m asking what we have achieved with our indignation and
what the point was having all those people who perished in the cause
agitating against corruption. The hard stance and tough talking have
suddenly evaporated and I can’t help thinking about the grass left in
the aftermath of the elephants’ fight.

In summary, I think our world is getting
smaller and becoming more and more complicated as the days go by.
Greater territories than countries are being carved up and shared and
their inhabitants have little say in the matter. Suddenly affiliation
or patriotism towards ones country is like hoping to hold on to job
long enough to see your children through their education, retiring and
getting a good pension thereof - foolishness. Much like the borderless
worldwide web we have come to know and understand, our countries’
economic barriers and buffers are becoming more and more permeable by
the day. The law of governments become subservient to the law of
commerce. The route to survival? Self sufficiency. Every man should
seek some way of starting some enterprise, farming, weaving, some
business of some sort or earn a little on the side, save and invest.
That way one still maintains some sort of control over ones affairs in
spite of the raging madness that goes on around us. Let us begin
looking for the black goat while it’s still daylight. Have a great
week everybody!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas everyone! Do I have to say good week everybody? Pish! I don’t care. All I know is that I am so excited about today mostly because I am sharing it with you my folks. I am going to be as irreverent as I want to be, I am going to write and probably break as many writing rules as I want to, because I don’t care! I have had the toughest and most depressing week. I have plenty of challenges still hounding me at my door but here’s the amazing thing. I have God! I have God who’s ALWAYS got my back, who never gives up on me no matter how stupid i get. He will flog me o, make no mistake, and it hurts when He does! But, with His other hand He wipes my tears and tells me it’s because He loves me and wants the very best for me; and i have always had the best, even when I’ve had little. I’m in a career i love so much, that feeds me. I haven’t done as many movies as my cotemporaries but the few I’ve done have given me a good name. I am not rich yet am very wealthy. I have a blog where I get to express myself and share with readers who love to read what I have to say. All this is a tip of the iceberg of what is to come. I have so much to look forward to I want to fly to the heavens. I couldn’t have asked for a better lesson to learn at this point in my life before I enter the incredible blessings that await me next year. In fact na una de celebrate Ekerisimesi (Christmas for the uninitiated). I don enter 2012 since yesterday! Make una dey dia!

First thing I’m going to do after getting rid of you guys is I’m going to pounce on a soundly sleeping Frieda. I love it when she wakes up startled – she likes sleeping on her tummy, hehehe- looks around confused, gives the lamest attempt at protesting – she’s the worst actress ever – settles in with a small smile and starts purring like a lazy cat as I start to intensify my administrations. Fly hands fly! Don’t worry folks, she did the same to me last night - I was asleep too! Fly hands fly!

After the expenditure I shall take a thirty minute nap, wake up, take a shower and begin to plot whose houses I’m going to raid. I will of course be putting the homes with the best of cooks at the top of my priority list. Only homes full of love and warmth but with not so adept culinary skills will top the former, however I will do my best to enjoin the latter to join forces with the former to make for a laudable success. And just so I don’t appear inconsiderate, I shall be armed with a bottle of wine for each household; a pretence of a fair exchange to mask the stealth predator that I am. I shall of course endeavour not to drive as i plan on being properly inebriated in the course of the night – safely ensconced among friends of course. Fly hands fl... oh heck!

Whoooo! That was fantastic! Sorry guys, couldn’t wait. Off now for my thirty minute slumber. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Have a great year everyone!

This Coming Christmas...

Bam bam biyam bam bam… Top of the week to everyone! Don’t mind me please, I have, for some reason been humming the old song by Rihanna all evening. Don’t bother asking me the name or the words of the song because I don’t know and probably never will. This is coming from the lips of someone who nursed a dream of becoming a rock star at the age of six. Thanks to my Igbo father, that dream only saw the four walls of almost every bathroom I took my shower in and was always left there. I did however, have the privilege of meeting someone who actually defied her conservative Nigerian parents’ expectations of what a good Nigerian girl should be; subservient, have a safe professional job, provide both families with a huge litter of kids and give her parents a grand funeral when they’ve passed on.

Faith plays my character’s other love interest in the movie being shot at the moment. She’s one of the most effervescent ladies I have met who affects one almost instantly with her bubbly nature upon meeting her. I mean how many Nigerian women travel widely around the world for reasons other than shopping or hustling – and by hustling I mean honest, legal enterprise which,contrary to negative opinion, is what most of our wonderful ladies do? Faith travels widely on excursions, professional gigs and even skiing trips. Talk about breaking the norm. she had the gumption to stand up to her parents and do what she always wanted to do – music of the rock genre, and is actually very good at it. Like a smart Naija babe too, she made sure she bagged a good university degree, started a business that currently runs itself before gallivanting the length and breadth of the globe in pursuit of her dream. Youth reading this, please take note and be smarter than me. I’m meeting up with her later this week over coffee and that I am looking forward to.

Christmas is almost upon us and from the way things are, it looks like I’ll be spending my Christmas here in the US. I can’t seem to get a flight to Lagos earlier than the 28th so I’m looking to make the rest of my stay here in the States as eventful as possible. Fortunately, I tracked down two friends I haven’t heard from in a while; one’s in New York and the other’s in Dallas. I’m opting for the one in Dallas because my cousin lives there as well and it’s the warmer of the two. Even if I do go there, I wonder what the difference will be apart from the routine stuffing of one’s belly with food and drink; the very reason I want to run away from this place where I am. One of the greatest crimes one can commit, as I learnt from Thanksgiving, is to refuse people’s generous offer of food, especially as it is often a gesture of love in our African culture. Perhaps if we lived in the Roman times when there were vomiting troughs for the relief of overstuffed bellies so their owners could return to their gluttony, it would be a different matter, but my ever slowing metabolism dictates the pace these days.

As I sit here in this gray winter in Minnesota I keep asking myself what one does for amusement in this weather that does not involve drinking, eating, clubbing or the cinema? Ice fishing? Hunting? I can’t even shoot a catapult let alone a - Wait a minute! That’s it! I can go learn how to shoot at a shooting range! And then next time I come, I can take up hunting! Thanks guys, I got it; I got my mojo back! Now I can go to bed. No, I’ll do that after watching two more episodes of Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Have a great week everyone!