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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

To thyself be true Pt. 1

Good week tout le monde (everyone) and hoping it was a worthy one seeing as it was my birthday week – I’m blessed you know. ;) Mine was low keyed, right down to the celebration day itself. I went to hang out with my friends who insisted I had to buy the round of drinks. They guzzled, especially JB the slippery one, and I couldn’t because unlike them I had an hour’s drive back home. Idiots! I’m going to get them next time! I got so many birthday wishes last week it was unbelievable – thank you all. There was one in particular that caught me, from a friend (I’d like to thank), that got me thinking.

Her birthday was in the same week as mine and like most birthdays, came with the attendant reflective mood. A well meaning male friend of hers had advised her, she’s in her thirties, to get hitched up as soon as possible before time passed her by. According to him, women outnumbered men by a far margin and therefore were the more aggressive in their pursuit of a partner. According to him, she said, the days when women turned their noses up at prospective suitors were faded from recent memory. Then he stated,” personally I wouldn’t get serious with anyone without ‘test driving’ her first.” She then asked me if the same was the case for most successful men; university education, well paid jobs and businesses. At this point I blushed and sheepishly trailed a pattern in the sand with my foot as I… anyway I digress. I sort of found it very amusing that this school of thought, myopic as it is, should gain such a foothold in the psyche of a good portion of our society; male and female. While it is a fact that women are definitely under more pressure to get hitched up than men owing to more pressure from family, their biological make up, society at large and their own natural need for intimacy and companionship, I think it is much more important to keep things in perspective.

Yes, as a man, I tend to feel 'elated' that I have the luxury of 'picking' and 'choosing'. But when I look closely at the matter I find that this is a mere mirage. It's okay if one just wants fleeting associations with a view to just having sexual relations with the opposite sex but then how would this affect ones decision in ultimately finding a real spousal partner? I learnt earlier on in life that chasing after women, womanizing that is, is like chasing after the wind – one ultimately ends up with nothing. It's easy for me to get distracted by the different attributes in the women I play about with and this may stop me from finding my bone of my bone. What I'm saying is that it is boys who brag about such things because what they should ask themselves is; ultimately, “What kind of woman am i bringing to my home should I want to settle down?” My mother always told me that the day one gets married is the day ones life changes drastically - for the better or for the worse! I've never forgotten that. I look back at two relationships I had in the past and shudder to think of what my life would have turned into had either one resulted in marriage. In one of them I understood how a man would be the last to leave work, head straight for the bar and sneak into bed only to leave for work before dawn of the next day. It was hell on earth. Like my esteemed philosopher and musician, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, says, “I do not want anything that would ‘bring out the beast’ in me.”

Enter the one God given tool to every human being on earth; the gift of self evaluation, introspection. We base our judgment of self, especially in our beloved Africa, Nigeria in particular, on the way we are viewed by all around us. I guess this attests to the cohesiveness of our community but then again, at what point does the individual have the opportunity to show forth his/her uniqueness to help move civilization forward? I cannot emphasize enough the importance of knowing ones self, what one likes and what one dislikes. Last week I wove a thread of seriousness through a fun poking fabric inviting us know ourselves better. This week I’m elaborating on it. One of the wonderful indicators of a need for change is the much feared depression. Its function is phenomenal; it always comes when there’s a need for change in the way we do our things. Things no longer work the way they are supposed to and the discomfort brings with it pain. The pain helps us sit down to assess ourselves and find out what it is we’re doing wrong and as long as we try to ignore it the depression deepens until we decide to make a change. Joy always comes from pain, solitude and courage. The funniest stories are always born of misadventures, misfortune and suffering and yet when told in retrospect bring about the liveliest of mirth so let’s be courageous enough to delve in the recesses of our minds that we fear the most.

Secondly, why is it that we insist on sticking with ‘our own’ even when we are in Diaspora?
We refuse to venture outside our cultural boundaries when we live in a multi cultural society perhaps because we are suspicious of the other person, afraid that they may not understand us or maybe that we might lose our culture to them. I had numerous fights with my father, of blessed memory, because we differed greatly on this issue. He insisted that I marry from my own hometown and my argument was, if that was what he wanted then he should have kept me within the geographical confines of my hometown so that would be the only world I knew. Does common sense not tell us that the fact that we are in a larger field, say a city like Lagos, Abuja or New York not mean that we have a larger playing field to cater for all our needs; material and social? We are willing to ‘go out there’ and work with other communities to earn a living but when it comes to social interaction and friendship we shy away huddle together and probably miss out on great opportunities that could come our way. My brothers and sisters, let us use our tongues to count our teeth and find out what point the rain began pelting us. There are lots of good men and women out there, black, white, Asian, Ijaw, Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa, Fon willing to love us for who we are; our culture in tow. Let us not wash our faces with spittle while standing beside a river.

In summary I opine that self evaluation is one of the greatest luxuries we have. Like Thoreau said, “To thyself be true”. Singlehood is a reflective period where joy and fulfillment should emanate from so let’s learn from it. I’m tired, I want to go and sleep so have a great week everyone!

14 comments:

  1. They say that "marriage is an institution where those that are in want to get out and those that are out want to get in"...Do I believe this? No! You are so right! Being single is definitely a reflective period...The Bible (I'm not preaching) gives us the ultimate hum-dinger- 1+1=1...I always contrue this to mean that 1 (one) is a WHOLE entity, it is not halved! that is One human being plus One human being results to One being...what am I drving at? You have to be whole (mentally, spiritually) to be joined to another; not dependent on what society thinks, or what the world is today or what family tells you.Bring something to the table, some sort of completion! ...Most people enter marriage as a means of an answer to thier problems some are dependent on it for some sort of succour, appeasment, solution etc...You haveto find yourself and what you want, so you can be located...lol...Marriage is where two people come together to fulfill DESTINY! wouldn't you go in, happy and satisfied you did, than go in regretting?...
    Really, to thy ownself be true! well said Kalu, well said!

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  2. did someone say "long post alert"? NO!...lol... but as always, well-written, and an interesting read...

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  3. Naturally, first times, most times, tend to be awkward, so please reader[s] forgive me if my maiden comment seems awkward.
    I cannot but agree with the 2 posts grounded in "self". True that the female is more worried about the singlehood theory, but personally i have realised the worth of self-appreciation, it is like a birth that gravitates appreciation by others...and like Kalu has rightly blogged on
    "Do not be limited to
    culture,skin colour,religion
    ethnicity et al"
    Love urself and embrace the love when it finds u without minding the seeming inhibitions.

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  4. Sorry for the long post...I tend to take a mile when given an inch...lol!

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  5. @ Pamela...u had a gud point 2 share, even if it took a paragraph, getting ur word across is all dat matters.
    @ Senor Kalu: d whole post felt as if my Mum and 1 of my elder brothers was talking to me...d similarity and strength is intense.
    Nevertheless, u are right on point! 2 take time 2 read ur post, wud be 2 learn. 2 rush thru it, wud be to lose d essence of d msg. Great Job!

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  6. i felt u were talking to me..oh wish i would heed..

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  7. Another nice one 'K' and happy belated birthday :=D

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  8. first off happy belated birthday!!! Gods blessings today and always.

    In as much as I do not have a problem with intermarriage and all, my first choice would be someone from my hometown cuz of cultural difference. I mean I've been use to a particular culture for X amount of yrs and then i would have to switch gears cuz i'm in love, if the man is the right guy then it is worth if not well you get the point. I may be young but i'm a very traditional person, change on a cultural sense will only come for me if i'm deeply in love and i am sure of the man in question and his family.

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  9. Happy belated bday! and Many more years of countless blessings.

    Its scary being single at times, but its scarier to end up in a marriage of convenience. I tell myself often, when it comes to good ol’ marriage, “patience is a virtue.” easier said, right?

    But think 'bout it. After long years of loneliness, depression, pain and fear as a single, would u seriously want to spend the rest of ur life going through these same experiences in marriage? waiting for the beast’ in us to surface one day like ‘K’ said? I don’t think so! its difficult to shut out those wagging tongues and feelings wen ur biological clock is ticking fast! But the wait is usually worth it. Cos I know wen God gives in His time, He gives 'THE' best!

    As for cultural differences, never considered it a criteria… tot by now change would have turned our mentality around 'bout that?...

    Anyway, at this stage, am executing overdue plans and being true to moi! thank God!

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  10. Happy belated bday! and Many more years of countless blessings.

    Its scary being single at times, but its scarier to end up in a marriage of convenience. I tell myself often, when it comes to good ol’ marriage, “patience is a virtue.” easier said, right?

    But think 'bout it. After long years of loneliness, depression, pain and fear as a single, would u seriously want to spend the rest of ur life going through these same experiences in marriage? waiting for the beast’ in us to surface one day like ‘K’ said? I don’t think so! its difficult to shut out those wagging tongues and feelings wen ur biological clock is ticking fast! But the wait is usually worth it. Cos I know wen God gives in His time, He gives 'THE' best!

    As for cultural differences, never considered it a criteria… tot by now change would have turned our mentality around 'bout that?...

    Anyway, at this stage, am executing overdue plans and being true to moi! thank God!

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  11. When we accept & love ourselves we attract love to us & the right type of person for us.

    When we meet someone of a different race we get to enjoy both our own and their culture and surely we can find a good blend of both. There is a fear of the unknown with people who are "different" from ourselves in colour, race, creed, but it's what's inside us that really matters not what we look like outside.

    I believe if you are enjoying your life and feeling fulfilled when you meet someone you care about you can enhance their life and you can decide to be with them because you want to be with them without needing them.

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  12. Hi Kalu, just fell on your blog as I was browsing, loved you in “Darkest Night” with RMD and Co.

    In regards to this article, hmm, who said women are the only ones that have a “natural need for intimacy and companionship”? Both men and women have the need for companionship that is how God made them. On the other hand, if you remember, Adam was first lonely before Eve. Eve was created because God noticed that Adam was directionless without “her”. So, Adam, I will say was the acutely lonely one.

    As for the Nigerian guys that are saying that they’ll have to “test drive” before they buy or that there is a shortage of men per women. These are the words that losers use in comforting themselves when they know they don’t have anything to offer. What the heck is wrong with these dumb ass dudes by the way? I have noticed that majority of Nigerian men are seriously ugly and abominably proud. What are they proud about, I always wonder? Any girl that allows some man (especially the totally ugly, fat and ego-ridden ones) to “test drive” her before the “rock” because she fears she might lose out, is downright dense. I hope intelligent minds would stop giving audience to such moronic ideologies of brain dead fools, as the cliché goes, garbage in, garbage out.

    Moreover, singlehood I think is sexy, so hey, if you are single especially the females, make the best of life before the second half comes in and directly or indirectly starts dictating what you should do with your time…Lord help us when the children starts arriving, personal time will then be hard to find.

    Qute

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  13. so i am a stealth reader of ur blogs. just wanted to say as always i find ur writing beautiful.,....................you know you should write a book. have forgotten wat i intended to say.
    oh ok ya..................am an ardent believer in self and i have been a huge champion of self for a long loooooong time and afterawhile i am afraid that self eventually gets bored or lonely perhaps of being the only fan of self and requires someone to chant in unison praises to self. lol oh well......................just my 2pence worth. blog again soon ok?

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  14. HMMM!
    Never knew you are this good.

    Away from compliment, this is exactly what i am talking about. you see what happens around us especially we from the eastern part of Naija, we are never so eager to cultural diversity and take it or leave it, it surely affects one's attitude and approach to issues be it money making or socail matters as the case maybe.

    As for the issue of women and pressure to get hitched; i don't get it, how do you want to be loved if u do not love yourself? Then again our culture never left any place for a women but in her husband's home (kitchen) leaving us with little or no choice but to keep hoping n praying that he comes, then families and friends "appreciates us" not caring what happens to her afterward, not caring if she turns to some person's punching bag or some item to express achievement.
    Let's not go into this at all; i just wish women including me too, will understand that it isn't 'bout what peeps think 'bout us but what we make out of what we think 'bout we selves.

    "It is up to you"

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