LWKMD!

I just found out the meaning of the ‘word’ lwkmd two days ago! I’m so excited! You people will not understand. I have seen that voweless abbreviation everywhere on social network boards and have spent countless seconds trying to figure out the meaning of the cryptic message known only to the initiated. I have tried everything from “laughter won’t kill my(I couldn’t figure out the ‘d’) to “love weekend, knowsay me down”, I never for once suspected it the code would be in Pidgin English – “Laff wan kill me die”! Non Pidgin speakers should be able to figure out the meaning. If you still want the translation in English, try “I have heard that laughter is the best medicine but this?!” I don’t care what anyone says, I have just added another feather to my cap. One never knows when it may come in handy. I could be stranded on some desert island and have just a chance to send an SOS, then I’d replace the code with HWKMD to buttress the severity of the situation, hoping that someone who’s read this post is at the command console. I’m sure you lot can figure the ‘H’ bit out. Hello everybody! Forgive me for hardly but I have to get on before I lose what’s in my head to write. Nigerians will not kill me, not in this life nor the next to come! Listen.
Recently, in a drive to create a safer and cleaner environment in our estate, we, the inhabitants decided to put up money and erect security gates at both ends of the estate, hire night security guards to patrol the estate at night, mount street lamps and finally, clear the drain ways, otherwise known as ‘gutter’ in Naija. All projects have been completed except the last which is somewhat in progress as I write. The drain ways have been dredged and driving down my little estate, heaps of blackened earth can be observed lying along the sides of the gutters in long rows broken only by concrete slabs on which vehicles are driven by their owners into their compounds. The work had gone on for two days and they finished on Tuesday the day before yesterday. On noticing that no move was being made to cart the rubbish away, my neighbour asked some of the labourers when they were going to dispose of the mess to which they replied that they were only contracted to dredge and not dispose and walked off. Some things are simply beyond my comprehension. It is like cleaning a house of all its rubbish, pile the rubbish in a corner and watch while it is being kicked about the house to spread the filth all over again. We, my neighbours and I then paid them to clear the heap in front of our building in the hope that the adjoining houses would take our cue and do the same.
I came back this afternoon to find the men diligently shovelling wet earth into waiting wheelbarrows. I smiled to myself, said a hearty hello to them and made to buy some biscuits in a nearby shop. One of the men hoisted one of the barrows up, his face tense as his bare shoulder and arm muscles strained with the effort. He finally got the single wheel rolling and my eyes followed him to wondering how far he would be able to push the heavy vehicle before stopping to rest. Pushing that load out of the estate was not going to be an easy feat. I didn’t have long to wait; he staggered all the way to the building next to mine, complete with its dull black wet heap in front, and dumped his load right in its mass! Una no go kill me! Nuff said. See you tomorrow. Nkem, two days to go!