Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Smuggler's Route

Hello and a good week to everybody. I have just begun to conquer another technological milestone – twitter! Yes my friends, for so long I have wondered what all the fuss was about twitting all over the place with almost ‘nonsensical’ tweets about favourite pets and, just nonsense! Far as I was concerned it was all just a massive gathering of twits until Frieda explained it all to me. I still haven’t comprehended it fully but I have begun to sound like I know what I’m talking about when I tweet. Point is, I can see what a dinosaur I will be when I become a father. Matter of fact I almost weep for myself because of the way those little mites are going to abuse my ignorance of modern technology. My resolve therefore is this. I must marry someone who’s a gadget freak and is up to date with every conceivable contraption that is invented. She will also be a very bad cook on account of my love for good food. Please don’t think I am mad. I have always loved good food, according to my mum, and the way my metabolism has dropped in the past few years has given me serious cause for concern. If I dare eat even half of what I used to eat three years ago, I could almost watch my girth increase, my cheeks billow and my feet much more leaden. Kilo nonsense en? One of my favourite meals, pounded yam and Afang, I can no longer indulge myself in. hence my solution to my problem; marry a terrible cook so I learn to hate to eat and then I stay slim – ish. How’s that for a solution? By the time my daughter gets married they’ll probably have invented some gadget with to cook any meal her hubby desires. I feel much better now after airing my thoughts in this rather long paragraph. I hope they don’t smell too badly. Now to what I really want to talk about; my smuggling trip.

I had been shooting some scenes of a movie project in Ogun state and we were determined to finish it that day which took us into the wee hours of the next day – 2am to be precise. Some of us decided against putting up in a hotel and opted to drive back in a convoy to Lagos. The road however was a route smugglers typically used to smuggle goods to and from the neighbouring Benin Republic country with fierce customs officers lay in wait and desperate smugglers strived to get their commissions through at all costs. I for one was ready to risk driving along that smuggling route at that hour than face the horrendous traffic gridlock that characterized the morning rush hour traffic. ‘Sides my car had been making some funny noises after I’d waded in a mini lake in a crater in the road on one of our trips to location. There was no way I would risk taking Betty though a four hour traffic jam without seeing her doctor.

Our three cars set off into the night. The moon was full and the ghostly shapes of the tall grass swayed to our rushing headlights. The red eyes ahead of me flashed an even brighter red intermittently as they dodged ubiquitous potholes. Okay Kalu, stop it! We drove fast weaving this way and that as we dodged the numerous potholes that were dotted all over the road. Occasionally we would hear and wince at the jarring crash of the shock absorber of the lead vehicle as he went into a hidden pothole and quickly learn from his mistake. I had no mirror to look into but I knew my eyes were bulging from concentrating on the road and its environs. I wondered what we would do if armed robbers waylaid us at some deep gorge we were negotiating. Would I flee into the bush and leave the women among us to fend for themselves? One never knows what one is capable of until the one faces adversity. This adversity was not one I was willing to accommodate, rather I saw it as an adventure and sped on. Surprisingly, the few customs checkpoints we went by didn’t even bother with us. It was as if they knew what they were looking for and didn’t even glance at us as we sped past.

We got to our homes safely, stopping at the married colleague’s first. After honking our horns at her gate incessantly, the gate man opened them to a relieved but very silently furious husband. I watched as she slunk sideways through their front door like a crab as I left for my own home with trepidation in my heart. I’ll explain. My street has about two or three street gates leading to it from all sides. They all shut at the stroke of twelve midnight and once they do, hardly anyone or thing can compel them to be opened before 5am. Getting there at 3am, I began to bang at the street gate before my gate but no one answered. Peeping through the slits I could see three security guards warming themselves round a fire and smoking what wafted to me as weed. I called out loud to them telling them I was a resident in the adjoining street. They stopped, looked in my direction and calmly turned around and began to walk further away leaving me with no choice than to curl into Betty’s back seat. The windows misted over within minutes of shutting the door and made me wonder how much they’d mist if I were to shag in it – kinda like the Titanic love scene. My rucksack served as my pillow and I slept soundly till 4.50am when my alarm clock woke me.

Well folks, that was my experience plying a smuggler’s route at a smuggler’s time. Who knows? Someday when there’s no more work in my profession… Have a great week everyone!

10 comments:

  1. lol, you named ur car betty? thats cute in a slightly disturbing way

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  2. well...if u try Titanic in Betty's back seat, she rebels at once!!!!!!!
    long drive at night is always fun...nite travel used to be my best...in fact i still go on a drive through Sheraton down opebi/allen at nites...well when i manage to toast a guy into that kinda adventure.

    but guy if to say those chairmen woleyed una nko? oma ato do ochi at all... in all Thank God for granting you guys a safe trip after all

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  3. i still havent joined twitter, i drawn d line at facebook, my sis explained to me how u "follow" celebs and i was like, so i follow them and read one liners of what they are doing? uhm, no thanks (lol ofcourse if i ever join in the future i will bow my head for the required 2 mins of shame after all my rants) lol mmm titanic love scene hmm? lol (you should share this thought of yours with frieda) and get urselves intentionally locked out of your compound, any inhibitions she may have would be put to rest by your argument that the security guards would be too busy smoking weed than noticing d suspicious rocking of betty.............nah! nah!no need to thank me hehehe. see how i just helped you out with your first public sex adventure eh? *clears throat* all in a day's work! *flexing super hero muscles while dusting cape*

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  4. Twitter is actually fun...once you get the hang of it,hehe.
    Nice spot...be back to read more. Cheers!

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  5. Poor you, but glad you made it back safely. Late driving esp along a deserted road give me the creeps. Always having this weird feeling that a vampire or sth horrible could jump out from the bush. Funny huh? I hate darkness, maybe blcos i watch a lot of horror movies, but its so annoying even when am scared to my marrows, turn the volume real down & with my head buried on my pillow, i'll keep watching & loving it. Sorry, ds is supposed to be about you, oh. I love the name you gave ur car. Help me say hi to beautiful Betty. Ciao..

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  6. Formerly stealth reader you are cracking me up. How are you sure it`ll be his first public sex adventure? Just assuming sha or else he will not have that titanic love scene idea in his head, just kidding. Nice read.

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  7. Hi K, you are not alone when it comes to twitter. I also think our kids will learn from their friends when the time comes or by then they might have invented more and more
    technology for human consumption, lol. K, when it is too late, please consider before leaving location for home. And for marrying a terrible cook, it`s hilarious. Nice post.

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  8. Kalu you are really funny. Betty seems to have a place in your heart more than any other thing. How did you come across that name anyway? Interesting post, keep it up.

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  9. Kalu you are very naughty to think of shagging in your Betty. Hmmmmm, there`s no crime in se** fantasy. Adventure guy, carry go.

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  10. Nice and good read.

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