Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bald Hair Day

I think I’m finally going bald – good week everyone. I know some people will be wondering why it’s just hit me like an epiphany but I usually don’t believe things people say until I see it myself. Anyway dat na anoda tory. This reality was brutally brought to the fore when I slapped at a mosquito that was just as brutally sipping at a bloody mary off of the top of my head. Off of the top of my head I repeat in emphasis, because to my rude dismay I realised that my large (hee hee!) palm covered both “land” and the “sea” with the shoreline dividing both combatants somewhere in its middle on top of my head! My forehead grows bigger by the, day?. How to combat this desertification process I don’t know. Plant trees? Reduce my aggressive testosterone levels? God forbid! I already told my God I want to keep blazing my guns till I’m past ninety. So what then does this mean?

I had my first hint of the impending – I refuse to use the word so feel free to fill the blanks – when I did a project where my character played a recording of himself that was done twenty years earlier. The make up artist, to achieve a much younger look, simply brought my hairline closer to my eyebrows by an inch and a half, I think. Then she did a most ingenious thing. Instead of my characteristic “W” shaped hairline, she made it a straight horizontal line – the adhesive being petroleum jelly to hold down the tufts of hair to my scalp. The result was astounding. I thought I was twenty one looking at myself in the mirror! Everyone exclaimed how young I looked so much it became a little uncomfortable. I took solace in the fact that I had a more mature and austere look and my encroaching ba------ was merely an intellectual high forehead.

All this aside, a much bigger challenge looms in front of me now. I have always had issues with my hair from when I was young, mostly to do with my father when he was alive. I cried and begged him to let me grow my hair long to be like the afro styles of the then Kool and the Gang or Earth Wind and Fire. I was refused. I was not allowed the Shalamar or the “BJ”, the Brothers’ Johnson hairstyles either. Matter of fact my father could not for the life of him see what the barber could do for me that he couldn’t except take his hard earned money or keep me from my books thirty full minutes longer than necessary. I was subjected to preliminarily having my hair combed, accompanied by my howls of pain – I hated to comb my hair; it was always getting matted especially the one at the nape of my neck. Oh God it hurt! Then he would begin shearing – the best word I can use for it; he preferred scissors, holding my little head in the vice like grip of his strong hands, tears welling up in my eyes as I thought of my brothers enjoying the Muppet show that I couldn’t even crane my neck to watch. You can imagine my surprise when in the nineties, when it was the ‘skin’ cut that was in vogue, a concerned father called me to his study to ask me why I felt the need to cut off all my wonderful hair I was blessed with and go about looking like a convict headed for the gallows. I should grow some hair so I wouldn’t be mistaken for a thief when I went to the market was my admonition.

Facing me now as I sit here typing are all the things I have longed to do but haven’t been able to till date. I haven’t grown dreadlocks yet. I wonder what I would look like when I do. I would probably grow a full beard as well and wear long white flowing robes and dark glasses. To complete that revered philosophical look I’d carry some rosary beads on one hand and a hibiscus flower on the other, sniffing and murmuring intermittently as I bob my head to the elementals in the universe. Alas, I have been prevented from this luxury because of the nature of my work where growing dreadlocks with limit my range as an actor. Tattoos I’m still thinking about. Hm, I think I’ll add these two to my hair bucket list before its demise.

Well that’s my missive on my bad hair day. Can’t believe I’m actually whingeing about my hair. Kalu, you have sunk to the lowest depths! Are there toupees for black men I wonder? At least I’ll take comfort in the scientific hypothesis that bald men are typically more virile than their full haired competitors. I’ll take comfort in my intellectual high foreheadedness while it lasts before I proceed to being baldilocks; I know I have a good shape of head. Plus, I get to have it caressed. Those of us fortunate enough to have experienced the loving hands of a good woman caress our bald heads during love making know what I mean. My resolve? To baldly go where others have gone before me. Have a great week everyone!

12 comments:

  1. lol @ hair bucket list..
    toupes for black men?? lmao now thats a business idea hahahahaha
    i feel for you but then being bald shows that you r a man with a capital m, shows your testosterone levels are very high, serving as a beacon to unknowingly draw ladies to you hehehe Frieda wont like that i am sure lol. hold off shaving your head till the last second, then do it....i think men that shave their heads are sexy case in point jason statham, bruce willis............i say join the league and buy that vaseline oil and oil up that mutha....lol

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  2. I'm so sorry but my answer is bwahahahahahahahaha. You are hilarious! Maybe your funny genes are taking over your hair. Being bald isn't bad you know....but mehn...this is one funny blog.....you made my morning.!

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  3. Well written and so interesting to read. Wishing you the best solution (bald or with Toupes) that you think is good for you.

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  4. Hi K, going bald is every man´s nightmare and I suggest you start thinking of creating another identity for yourself. Nice post and good luck.

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  5. Interesting! Maybe hair implant will do, just a suggestion.

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  6. Don`t worry about hair as far as the head still thinks.

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  7. Nice blog and your grief about hair, hilarious.
    Cheer up!

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  8. Nice post and happy sunday to you.

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  9. I'm late I know but you still got me laughing! I have a baldie in my house and love rubbing that!

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  10. My dear...Bald can be sexy. I have always loved a smooth, brown head and I daresay you have the features to carry it off. That being said...I don't know about the dreadlocks on the bucket list. I think dreadlocks can look great on a man, but my darling, if its already (don't read this part Kalu) receding, well, I don't know, locks on a receding hairline...I find decidedly unhot! But at the end of it all, all that really matters is you abi.

    Thanks for adding a chuckle to my day!

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