Moos & Tears!

Hello and a good week to everybody. What I want to talk about this week is about an interesting movie I watched on cable last week. The movie was about a young autistic woman who rises above many odds to rein in an education for herself. She also struggles, perseveres and succeeds in communicating effectively with society at large and enlightens the world on the goings on in the mind of an autistic person. What interested me most about the movie was this young woman’s choice of study for her Master’s program – the mooing of cows! Yes my dear friends, a genuine study on what cows moo about. At first my incredulity turned to a patronizing pat on the head, her head, as I erroneously thought that being an autistic person, she had little to aspire to, and the level of self development she had attained, was achievement enough. That is until I began to see the amazing way her mind worked, in a way that was almost impossible for the normal human mind to grasp.

Through her amazing insight and her study of moos, the world has learnt that cows like to move in circles, are more adapted to sloped dips instead of ones with steps, and found the most humane way of sending them to the abattoir. I came away from the movie much wiser and more emboldened to carry out the ‘zany’ projects going on in my head I had hitherto been hesitant about sharing with anyone. Thanks to this young amazing lady I can finally air my thoughts with you my family on a subject, which like moos, most have not been blessed to have an insight into; tears. The eye water that we were so acquainted with as children and still are occasionally as adults – some more often than others- is what I would like to study for my Master’s program.

In the study of, or research on any serious discipline, there is need to focus and specialize on a particular aspect of that discipline. My chosen department in the discipline of tears is to do with the how rather than the whys. I will explain. After watching numerous movies, documentaries, and even in real life, I have observed that people cry or should I say, shed tears from different parts of the eye. Some shed tears from the farthest corners of their eyes nearest to the ears, some from the middle of the eyes while others do so from the corners nearest to the nose. All these observations have been made with the subjects standing or seated in an upright position so that the true source of each tear is determined by the direct pull of gravity.

Just like the moo studying lady had the last laugh on her critics, so am I sure I will be rolling on the floor in months or years to come when I shall be vindicated by my fact finding mission. This is because my research, I am sure, will evolve into finding out which tear duct each individual is naturally disposed to crying from. Once this is ascertained, one will find out which tear duct is responsible for communicating a particular emotion; whether there be a specific tear duct for the expression of anger, which for sadness and grief and which for joy, or which duct is shared by two or more emotions. This will thus leave open the last emotion, or should I say non-emotion to scrutiny – tears of the crocodile kind.

Crocodile tears! I believe very strongly that the considerable economic losses that are incurred yearly by families, businesses and countries to this dreadful anomaly could be reduced drastically once the offending tear duct is found out and labelled appropriately. Through more from instinct than observation, I am strongly persuaded that the duct responsible for the ejaculation of the phoney tears is the one situated at the far corner of the eyes nearest to the ears, but, having sworn allegiance to proof by science I am resolved to stay my assumptions until the ultimate findings of my painstaking scientific research. Imagine a situation where, upon the invention of an emotion pinpointing tear duct machine, a fraudulent business man goes aweeping to his partner, with claims of being dispossessed of their jointly invested funds by unscrupulous fellows. The partner simply employs the services of the fact finding tear duct machine by beaming its rays on the claimant, and the scoundrel is exposed by the silent neon flashing screen screaming. “CROCODILE SERVING DUCT!, CROCODILE SERVING DUCT!”. Even in the home, women would be forced to lessen the strain they routinely put their eyes through, thus restricting themselves to deploying the use of their eyes to the expression of real emotion. The potential of this research is limitless, and will prove to be a formidable ally to its much older sibling, the lie detector. Then again, what do I know?
My mind’s running like a public tap but the powers that be are screaming I have far exceeded the space allotted to me. I enjoin everyone to support me in carrying mini researches in their own lives. Who knows, I may pop up at your doors with a thirty page questionnaire! Till then, this dogged scientist-to-be wishes you all have a great week!