Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Frostbite

Good week everybody! Honestly ehn, one of the worst things to do is to give birth to your own baby and labour and strive to see it grow. Your whole heart’s in it, you worry endlessly about its future and whether it will make it in life to be able to look after you and your spouse when you grow old and fragile. And just so you don’t put all your eggs in one basket you produce other babies just so if the first one, on whom all hopes lie, fails, the others, with some prayer, hard work and dedication, keep running and by God’s infinite grace carry on the baton to provide for you and your spouse when you still grow old and fragile. Yes my dear friends and readers, I am talking about enterprise or business as people are wont to call it. I am co producing a movie here in the States, one I also co wrote and I find myself worrying about things I never bothered myself with before; marketing, target audience, what title to give it, numerous and endless meetings about any and everything; whom to hire, whom to fire etc. I have the better end of the stick; the other producers are the ones who worry about the money and believe me those robes are3 thorny and heavy. I still have a lot of ideas that I will execute in the course of my partnership with Nkem so if this baby falls by the wayside, the others will keep running.

Okay, enough philosophizing about my secure future, now to the scarier present or should I say immediate past. I just finished my morning jog with not a little relief. I have also learnt to always check the weather conditions before venturing out of the comfort of your home.

I had routinely donned my light track suit bottoms and a slightly heavier sweat shirt with my head warmer tucked in my pocket and run out of the building for my early morning jog only to be run back in by the icy wind that lashed into my face and body through my sparse clothing. I wisely went into my room and put on a much heavier fleece jacket, put on my head warmer and went out again. I had two miles to cover and intended to make short work of them with the aid of the music I was listening to on my phone. I cruised comfortably for about a mile, the wind buffeting my unguarded face with a million icicles when I became aware of a numbness in my legs. Alarmed, I realized I had made another error; I had neglected to protect the lower half of my body by wearing summer track suit bottoms in the hope that the frequent pumping of my legs would generate enough heat to insulate them against the cold which in this case wasn’t seeming to happen. With an even colder dread spreading across my heart, I realized I had I had not protected the lower half of my body, where my crown jewels and best friend junior were housed! Quickly I grabbed at them, fearing the worst – I was not wearing even boxer shorts – and was relieved to find they were still intact, even though they were not quite the size I was used to. The sac in which my future generations were housed had shrunk to the size and hardness of a walnut while junior… Well let’s just say he would not have complimented my masculinity were I to be strip searched in front of prospective female officers. I was suddenly taken back to the days when I was eight, standing at the toilet bowl, struggling to get the pee out from my morning wooded peepee – there was little difference.

Everything is much calmer now. All my bits are intact and in working order, I’m sure, but I have learnt the most important lesson of the day; to always check the weather and dress appropriately before venturing from home. To everyone else, have a great Thanksgiving, To Frieda, happy birthday darling! Your birthday present’s still intact with just a little warming up to thaw out the last of the deeply embedded frostbite! Mwah!

9 comments:

  1. Lmao!!! OMG Kalu o, you have killed me. Goodluck on your production, abeg lemme know when y'all round up

    Happy Birthday Frieda!!! and happy turkey day to all

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  2. lol...Kalu didn't know you had this sense of humour in you. LMAO...Goodluck in your new production...we all really worry!

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  3. Being a parent is not easy cos delivery and labor is just the beginning, you have to keep the brand after all that. All the best with your baby and thank God your jewels are okay as you need other babies to take care of you in your old age.

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  4. D procedure of conceptn is quite easy compared to d 9 mths(of vomitness,nauseaness,tiredness,sleepyness..and oda nesses)...motherhood can be annoying,exaspirating,challenging..and oda ings...but its wonderful!...i get angry whenever my mum asks me how d malaria is making me feel exactly!...like how are u meant to feel?..however,i still call my mum for d slightest of headache,menstrual pain,fever,leg ache...anything that wld make her sympatize wit me...i dnt expect her to come over to my school though!...so u r a mother,savour ur work and enjoy it!...now as for ur 'coughs'..hmmmm...hope minors are not here...ur junior...i thank God ur unborn generatns r still intact!

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  5. D procedure of conceptn is quite easy compared to d 9 mths(of vomitness,nauseaness,tiredness,sleepyness..and oda nesses)...motherhood can be annoying,exaspirating,challenging..and oda ings...but its wonderful!...i get angry whenever my mum asks me how d malaria is making me feel exactly!...like how are u meant to feel?..however,i still call my mum for d slightest of headache,menstrual pain,fever,leg ache...anything that wld make her sympatize wit me...i dnt expect her to come over to my school though!...so u r a mother,savour ur work and enjoy it!...now as for ur 'coughs'..hmmmm...hope minors are not here...ur junior...i thank God ur unborn generatns r still intact!

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  6. LMAOO!!!Oh boy!
    Really Kalu, that's all Frieda's getting for her birthday? Isnt a birthday present supposed to be primarily for the pleasure of the celebrant?! U selfish someborri! mchew....I hope you have other individualistic and directed present for her!

    Good luck on the carrying and birth of your baby...Just as the leaves fall from the tree without much stress, so it will be for you.

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  7. Nice blog, lovely presentation

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  8. Hilarious. Best of luck!

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