Sunday, April 6, 2014

When I'm Dying

When I die, bury me in a frozen lake of ice! Don’t mind me jare, I’m just mimicking 2 Chainz and Kanye’s song “Birthday Song” which I found very catchy, the beat that is. I just can’t bring myself to say “Bury me in a Gucci store” Seriously, is that the highest level we wish to attain, being buried in a famed tailor’s shop? I bow o. Maybe my ignorance is bliss given my deaf ears to lyrics of the songs I generally listen to, or does my subconscious mind pick up more than I am aware of? If they were lyrics about what to do with itches and gardening tools – for digging up yams - then yes, that I could understand and make good use of by playing role play romps with my significant other in the bedroom or the sitting room or maybe the kitchen while checking on the muffins or boli (grilled or baked semi ripe plantain) in the oven, or, wait for it, shut up in the boot of the car! See why I love writing? It sometimes dredges up things you never knew lurked in the recesses of your mind. Two things I’d have to keep handy to safely accomplish that feat though: my car keys (remote car locks of course) and a sound theme of a large dog’s bark to be activated in the very likely event of an attempted car theft Hmm, stringy meat to chew on another day. My meat for today is yes, a little off the beaten track but no less important to yours truly, the way I would like to die.

When I die and how I’d like to die are of little concern to me as whatever puny control I may exercise over the when and how of my demise may only be effected through prayer or due diligence regarding my security and lifestyle. What I would like to do at the point of my demise is a matter I have given my imagination free range to roam to its heart’s content. I have come to accept that there is, and may remain a childlike and playful side to me, and I would love to keep it that way till I’m a hundred, hopefully plus. At the moment, to my shame, I have so far only managed to envisage any of the three things I’d like to do just before kicking the bucket, which even so few, still give me a warm glow on the inside.

Like the Okinawa residents in Japan, I would love to still shag my wife at a hundred and two years old, and she, mmm, maybe between eighty two to a hundred years. Of course by then we’d have sensibly begun investing in lubricating gel, strictly to jumpstart her of course, and I, by God’s divine will, will still be rising to the occasion on demand, give or take an hour or two of prompting or stimulation, at this point, of any kind, oral or any sensible otherwise. Anyway the meat of it that we’d have been at it for any length of time ranging from four minutes to thirty – yes, I am that ambitious, the software program chosen being the lovemaking application so I can remember she’s the woman I love who has borne me these wonderful initially troublesome children who have left us to our rapturous delights and our unfathomable petty squabbles – the kind no one dares intervene in the knowledge that both of us are just looking for an excuse to have make up sex - I digress. She’s busy with her electric toothbrush buzzing away downtown between us, her wrinkled face – still as beautiful to me as the day I married her – distorted in concentration and I roger on as manly as possible, LLCool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” playing in the background to aid my rhythm and vigour until she stiffens suddenly and begins to let out an almost eerie low but slowly rising moan as my own fever begins to take over me in paroxysms of blurred vision, my glasses almost falling off my nose, convulsions radiating from my loins as they take over my body in ever powerful waves as now a hundred million half lives course their way up from my bejewelled orbs, my centenarian roar sounding like it’s coming from the adjoining room as we cling to each other in our torturous bliss as we are suddenly levitated to celestial transports, God’s throne. Oblivious to our new environment, we look at each other and gasp, “Wow, that was some banging!”, before we notice our celestial surroundings, angels and all, and I, seeing the Almighty and quaking with fear, blurt out, “Banging at, sorry, on Heaven’s door!”. Sharrap all of you, it’s not blasphemy; we widowed each other in matrimony!

Second, I’m at my deathbed in my home hopefully and not the hospital, still at a hundred and two, surrounded by my wife (she should outlive me – I love being pampered), children: biological, in-law and adopted, grandchildren and hopefully the greats. I call our children to draw closer to me for the last blessings and admonishment. As I bless each one and their future genealogies, I punctuate each blessing by spitting into their open mouths, yes there is an Igbo community where this form of father-child blessing has long been practised – and, hehehe, you never deny a dying man his wish. I would have made it seven spits per mouth but that would be greed, and I may expire before getting to the third child, besides I don’t know how much saliva I’d still be able to muster at that ripe age so I’ll dispense my treasures sparingly.

Thirdly, if God tarries His hand at taking me away to Him, I would bless the rest of my beloved gathering and save the last for the one most alike to me in personality or maybe the youngest. I would call him/her to me very lovingly, pray for the beautiful child, bless him/her with a tremulous voice and trembling hands, give him/her some life serving advice and ask him/her to put his/her hand under my thigh as they used to do in biblical times. When they obey me, I’ll ask them to move it up further a bit, just under my bottom whereupon I’d take a deep breath and unleash the most ferocious fart I can muster. Hopefully the force generated will be enough to propel my soul and spirit from my body to eternal bliss leaving behind a mischievous grin on my face. I must remember to maintain a strict diet of raw broccoli and beans for when the beams start to tremble and the bulb starts to dim to give me enough wind for my sails- note to self.

My point here is who says dying can’t be fun? It is inevitable so why not, instead of being so petrified all the time of it, have fun with it and making your exit as memorable as possible, both here and beyond? Cowards have the misfortune of dying many times before their death but the creative ones have the luxury of enjoying theirs many times before it comes. Death is naught but a gateway so I enjoin everyone to enjoy this life, its passing and the life beyond this one. Have a great week everyone and don’t forget to eat your fruit and veggies!.

8 comments:

  1. I had a series of accelerated laughs whilst ready this. I must confess, it’s crazy but funny at the same time. Truthfully speaking, your dream of wanting to have and enjoy sex with your wife at age one hundred plus sounds achievable. It’s your father’s goodwill to grant you the desires of your heart in line with His will. After all Abraham had the privilege to be blessed with both, he and his wife Sarah welcomed their long awaited child of promise at that age range. And after Sarah had gone to be with the Lord Abraham took another wife and had children with her. In essence, if God did it for Abraham why not Kalu? After all “nothing is impossible to him who believes” Lol.
    I believe also that both of you could have wrinkle free faces as well, mmm! Sarah for example at age 65 and 90 was still very attractive to the point that 2 kings to their own detriment wanted her for a wife. You and I know that no king would go for an old wrinkled woman, no way! This means she was still very hot and attractive in spite of her age. Again with this picture in mind I can’t help but reminisce about the gift of the mind or the “power of individual thought” can we achieve a wrinkle free aging process? Did Abraham wear glasses? Certainly Moses didn’t. I think we give in too easily and too soon to Mr. Age.
    Who in the world eats raw broccoli and beans? Gross!
    “Unleash the most ferocious”….. what??? Silly old man! Lol (this cracked my ribs) I see the angels give you a well deserved “ferocious” stare at heaven’s gate wondering if they should let you in or not because their colleague, saddled with the responsibility of bringing you home safely who had a fair share of this unconventional occupational hazard didn’t find it funny at all. lol


    ReplyDelete
  2. Funny and very deep...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol...
    Thelma Eugene

    ReplyDelete
  4. marie omolo jamesApril 9, 2014 at 5:29 PM

    Deeply amazing kalu i love every word you write.....keep motivating ...

    ReplyDelete
  5. hahahahahahahahahah..
    U are so damn creatively crazy , u know that right?

    ReplyDelete
  6. LMAOOOO!!!! SOmeone needs to marry you quick and give you these very well deserved troublesome children. It'd be hard fro your hyperactive and mischievously imaginative mind to dredge up posts like this while you have 2 munchkins hanging by your tails.
    This was a delightful read.
    From your mouth to God's ears.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jeez! who would have thought you were this funny, and crazy? I laughed so hard my ribs hurt. BTW You are a great writer, write more often pls

    ReplyDelete