Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Moos & Tears!

Hello and a good week to everybody. What I want to talk about this week is about an interesting movie I watched on cable last week. The movie was about a young autistic woman who rises above many odds to rein in an education for herself. She also struggles, perseveres and succeeds in communicating effectively with society at large and enlightens the world on the goings on in the mind of an autistic person. What interested me most about the movie was this young woman’s choice of study for her Master’s program – the mooing of cows! Yes my dear friends, a genuine study on what cows moo about. At first my incredulity turned to a patronizing pat on the head, her head, as I erroneously thought that being an autistic person, she had little to aspire to, and the level of self development she had attained, was achievement enough. That is until I began to see the amazing way her mind worked, in a way that was almost impossible for the normal human mind to grasp.

Through her amazing insight and her study of moos, the world has learnt that cows like to move in circles, are more adapted to sloped dips instead of ones with steps, and found the most humane way of sending them to the abattoir. I came away from the movie much wiser and more emboldened to carry out the ‘zany’ projects going on in my head I had hitherto been hesitant about sharing with anyone. Thanks to this young amazing lady I can finally air my thoughts with you my family on a subject, which like moos, most have not been blessed to have an insight into; tears. The eye water that we were so acquainted with as children and still are occasionally as adults – some more often than others- is what I would like to study for my Master’s program.

In the study of, or research on any serious discipline, there is need to focus and specialize on a particular aspect of that discipline. My chosen department in the discipline of tears is to do with the how rather than the whys. I will explain. After watching numerous movies, documentaries, and even in real life, I have observed that people cry or should I say, shed tears from different parts of the eye. Some shed tears from the farthest corners of their eyes nearest to the ears, some from the middle of the eyes while others do so from the corners nearest to the nose. All these observations have been made with the subjects standing or seated in an upright position so that the true source of each tear is determined by the direct pull of gravity.

Just like the moo studying lady had the last laugh on her critics, so am I sure I will be rolling on the floor in months or years to come when I shall be vindicated by my fact finding mission. This is because my research, I am sure, will evolve into finding out which tear duct each individual is naturally disposed to crying from. Once this is ascertained, one will find out which tear duct is responsible for communicating a particular emotion; whether there be a specific tear duct for the expression of anger, which for sadness and grief and which for joy, or which duct is shared by two or more emotions. This will thus leave open the last emotion, or should I say non-emotion to scrutiny – tears of the crocodile kind.

Crocodile tears! I believe very strongly that the considerable economic losses that are incurred yearly by families, businesses and countries to this dreadful anomaly could be reduced drastically once the offending tear duct is found out and labelled appropriately. Through more from instinct than observation, I am strongly persuaded that the duct responsible for the ejaculation of the phoney tears is the one situated at the far corner of the eyes nearest to the ears, but, having sworn allegiance to proof by science I am resolved to stay my assumptions until the ultimate findings of my painstaking scientific research. Imagine a situation where, upon the invention of an emotion pinpointing tear duct machine, a fraudulent business man goes aweeping to his partner, with claims of being dispossessed of their jointly invested funds by unscrupulous fellows. The partner simply employs the services of the fact finding tear duct machine by beaming its rays on the claimant, and the scoundrel is exposed by the silent neon flashing screen screaming. “CROCODILE SERVING DUCT!, CROCODILE SERVING DUCT!”. Even in the home, women would be forced to lessen the strain they routinely put their eyes through, thus restricting themselves to deploying the use of their eyes to the expression of real emotion. The potential of this research is limitless, and will prove to be a formidable ally to its much older sibling, the lie detector. Then again, what do I know?
My mind’s running like a public tap but the powers that be are screaming I have far exceeded the space allotted to me. I enjoin everyone to support me in carrying mini researches in their own lives. Who knows, I may pop up at your doors with a thirty page questionnaire! Till then, this dogged scientist-to-be wishes you all have a great week!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


A good week and New Year everybody! How was everyone’s Christmas celebrations? Mine was a working holiday and I didn’t get the chance to see my wonderful family but it was enjoyable nonetheless. The carnival in Calabar was spectacular as usual and I walked the whole nine hours required of participants in the event. I, however, thankfully, did not have to smile for the entire time which was more than a relief – ‘Nuff respec’ to all you models out there. Everything was almost as it was the previous year so I have no details to bore you with. What I will bore you with is my excitement at meeting one of you, one of my very own readers, Ebbe Bassey! Yes my friends, I saw the ‘local’ girl in Calabar, and she almost got me in trouble!
I was on my way to the king and queen competition taking at the stadium strictly as a spectator and to support my friends Emeka Enyiocha and Ufuoma Ejenobor who were our band’s king and queen. They had gone ahead of me because I had stayed back to have dinner before going since I wasn’t sure when next I’d have the chance to eat that night. I was strolling through the lobby when I heard someone call out my name from across the hall. I glanced back and saw a lady dressed in a black top ( Ebbe was it?) and white slacks walked up to me. she walked up to me purposefully with an air of familiarity and a dazzling smile, so much so that it stretched mine involuntarily. With a knowing twinkle in her eye she introduced herself to me as Ebbe Bassey and the rest was almost a blur. I don’t know how she survived the bear hug I enveloped her in but I remember I drew back eventually to compare her with the picture I had of her on my facebook page. She was far more beautiful than any of her pictures and I told her so – you Calabar women will not kill us! I would most certainly have envied her husband were my own Frieda not more beautiful. Anyway I congratulated her on her wedding that she didn’t deign to inform me about to which she apologised and had the temerity to demand that I not fail to invite her for mine before dragging me off to meet her husband Mark who was having a drink in the bar.
He was a very pleasant guy, quiet, with keen intelligent listening eyes. I shook hands with him and my attention reverted back to Ebbe and we walked to the other end of the room to exchange more colourful stories with one another. Her idea of compensating me was to offer useful tips on how to get the most romantic places to get married for significantly reduced prices. Fine, I’ll forgive her. The rest of what we talked about isn’t important to you but I became fast friends with the couple in what promises to be an invaluable alliance. It has also shown me how valuable you all are to me through our blog experience which has shown to have developed into a collective relationship. Who knows which one of you I’ll be meeting next. Whenever it is, I definitely look forward to it especially meeting the likes of Formerly Stealth Reader – I love that name, Myne Whitman, Rosa Winkler and all you Anonymous(es) that like to stay that way.
Sadly I have to rush off to work since those slave drivers in Tinsel don’t brook any lateness. Then again we will see next week won’t we? Have a wonderful New Year and be sure to eat up those leftover festival grub. They always taste nice to us single ones as long as there’s a handy freezer to store them in and a microwave to warm them. I personally have my fridge stocked till the next week and a half; I went by three families who cooked too much during the season. Have a great week/year everyone!