Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Battle of the Bulge

Hi and a great week to all and sundry. My back is almost breaking from the grueling work I’ve done today but it has been full of fun and stress. One thing I have to say is I know that when this film comes out I dare not show it to my mum. I don’t care how brave I am or will be in future there is no way I can stand up to my mother with what I did on set yesterday. Actually I did a couple o very raunchy scenes which I don’t know what the editor’s going to do with. But that is gist for another day. Today is what I promised to dish up two weeks ago and that is about Calabar.

I’d love to say Calabar was exciting and all, and that I sampled every local cuisine there was to offer but alas, it was work I went there for and every waking hour there was, was completely dedicated to work. The cast and crew were so wonderful and most of us worked as a tea… You know what the truth is? I’m struggling to resist talking about food as I have had so many jibes from my friends, old and new, over my fixation with ‘food’. I want to make one thing very very clear. I love good food and not food – there’s a difference! The former is simply poetry while the latter is just the run of the mill stuff. Sometimes I wonder and then opine that maybe I should marry someone who’s a terrible cook. That way I’d hate to eat and stay slim. What I’m struggling with is where my priorities lie; my mouth or my tummy. I’m now at the stage where everything I eat goes straight to increasing my girth or widening the spread of my bottom. It is no longer a subtle approach but a full fledged battle of the bulge. I now call my rear guard buddy ‘broadband megahertz’ in a desperate attempt to continually remind myself of the relentless onslaught of Mr Fat. I can’t eat my beloved pounded yam or akpu (fufu) anymore. Rather I go searching for healthier alternatives like tofu, soya extracts and suchlike supplements to replace my addiction to swallow food. My metabolism rate has dropped twice this year alone and every little thing I eat goes straight to the pantry for storage. If I don’t eat, trouble, I become so dizzy and I immediately wear the look of one who’s just trekked across the desert. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t! it wasn’t always like this.

As a teenager, my motto was ‘ Kama nri g’adoro n’ite, ka o doro n‘afo!’ Meaning, food is better placed in the tummy than in the pot. I could eat! I could wolf down a family sized loaf of bread, chug a jug of ovaltine beverage before jogging over to my friend’s house three streets away. I ate in one meal then what would take me two days to eat today and I was still as thin as the space between prison bars. I think most of what I ate then was put into making me grow from a runt of just 5 feet at fifteen to a dizzying 6”2” by age seventeen. Thank you my Lord. Someone once told about some native fetish or magic spell that could make one eat and the food would be diverted straight to the stomachs of those seated around him. While I may doubt the veracity of that claim, I can’t but think about it sometimes and then with a sigh bend down to pick up my jump rope to begin my dreary routine of 600 jumps. I hope, no, I pray (I’m very serious Lord) that it will be a very very long time before my best buddy - the one downstairs - gets tired of eating. Say, another fifty years? Please? Thank you!

Calabar? Ah yes Calabar. That, once again, is still a topic to be snatched at another day. Have a great week ahead folks and I love you guys!

9 comments:

  1. Marrying a bad cook is out of the question because I'm not. LOL. Seriously, I don't know what heppens when we grow up, Food looses respect,and piles on wrong places. My little secrete has been regular swimming, walking and as much salad as I want to fill the empty monsterous tummy.
    Ti- Christine

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  2. Lol,you never cease to make me laugh,hope ur not messing up the six pack,we don't you to get one pack o..

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  3. formerly stealth readerSeptember 5, 2009 at 9:18 PM

    hahahahaahhhhaha now i know men go thru menopause when their metabolism bcoms xtra sloooow. truly hilarious and abt d 600 jumps lol dat was very funny, i do 300, my advice though is if u r aiming to tame d unruly girth u shud try oda exercises cos skippin wud giv u killer thighs n calves not so much d belly(dats if u want crazy defintion)...............but den ure a guy and i guess everyones' body is individual in every aspect especially to d effects to exercise.
    .............hmm i soo wish everyone could "Glut" (is dat a word? lol) on gud food always....theres just so much to taste, explore n tease d senses wit and so little TIME! wow dis just came to me!............imagine dis....we'd be super heroes n saving d day wud require eating "challenging" delicacies...........i shud stop now cos am salivating

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  4. Hmm I know the feeling... I too love good food... I would rather save my stomach space for something good rather than eat any rubbish for the sake of it being a meal time. Slowing metabolism sucks... In fact I have an exercise DVD in the player now in my effort to beat the bulge. My finger has been hovering over the play button for a few weeks now. One step at a time...

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  5. I guess we can officially call you a foodie:-)

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  6. I find your blog very interesting to read. I give this as a sequel to "What women really want" but we could call it "What men really think". The secret to eating and not piling is in the quantity. Some more tips to keeping fit....avoid lifts, use d steps.Run up steps and not walk. Snack on fruits e.g grapes, apples or bananas,not biscuit or nuts. Have plenty of vegs with anything u eat. Ok enough for now, dont want to sound like ur Mum.
    Keep healthy though.

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  7. Me thinks the worry should not be on staying slim, but keeping healthy.Eat all your foods but in reduced portions.

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  8. LOL...funny post, as is natural with you,even when u r discussing something as serious as an unwanted bulge...I pray u receive the grace to fight it oh, cos Kalu with a bulging tummy = No Way!

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  9. Kama nri g’adoro n’ite, ka o doro n‘afo!’ LMAO, Iricha iburu onye afo ukwu. Beat d bulge i say

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