Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Family Woes

A good week to everyone! My week’s been dotted with a few health challenges. I don’t know what I ate the day before yesterday but I do know that I spent the whole day seated on the throne getting rid of most of my problems. The good thing is, I feel considerably lighter which makes my task of battling this advancing bulge not as much a mirage as it was last week. My mum called yesterday and asked how I was and I made the mistake of telling her how I was, and then slipped further into the mud by telling her I ate outside; the very thing we were banned from doing as kids. “Kalu, how many times have I warned you against eating out?!! You look at the food at it looks and tastes so nice but have you been to the place they cook? Even on food channels here, you hardly see them washing their hands before going from one segment to the other. They wipe dishes clean with tablecloth that’s already laden with germs how much more there in Nigeria where there are no enforced food processing laws!” “Mum,” I started. “Let me finish! You know how to cook don’t you? Even if you’ve forgotten how, settle down with someone who loves you and will look after you and leave those useless girls alone. Look at my teacups and chinaware, all in their perfect places. When will I have little ones
to break them for me?!” Can you imagine that?! I know how many times my bottom was warmed or when my ears sang for marking walls with crayons and charcoal and for smashing the very wares I’m now being encouraged to smash via my offspring blowing hot and cold with the same breath!. It’s okay though; I have long since learnt that life isn’t fair.

The last came last night from my brother Obasi. After reading my previous post, School Ghost, the cheeky blighter not only had the nerve to demand a refund of his school fees that I had ‘appropriated’ during my truancy days in secondary school, but also put his comments on the same post for all to see! The very pettiness of it! If I were to begin to recount the number of times he has taken my stuff and run off to school – we were in different schools at the time – and demand payment, with interest, I’d be a much richer man today. Like the time when he took my, my… I can’t remember but you and I know, Obasi, that if you think very properly you will know that what I’m talking ab… Hey! It just occurred to me that I don’t remember any of the wrongs that were done to me by my siblings in the past! That’s means I’m a very forgiving man, and if a forgiving man, then a good man. If a good man, then a heaven bound man! Yaay! But hey, you’re still a wonderful brother and I love you. E never finish o!

A very dear happily married friend of mine, just because I told her I am the black sheep of my family proceeded to inquire after my unmarried brothers for her very chaste friend! Ah, the dividends of see finish ! The prophet is never appreciated by his loved ones; only by outsiders. But, I am a forgiving man. I will shrug it off and plod on towards my destination. I bestow the hand of benevolence on all; my dear mother who failed to recognize that in the entire six years of my stay here I have not had food poisoning, and this one little incident that I ventured to intimate her with, has brought a roomful of bricks crashing down on me, my dearly beloved brother who cannot let bygones be bygones and my darling friend who has serious issues with colour! “Nearer to Thee O Lord (are these the correct words to the hymn?), nearer to Thee!”

Okay, I’m done with my tirade. Have a great week everyone!


  1. this is lovely,kalu. you crack me up with your dry humour

  2. lmao! kalu your mum is hilarious.
    tell us what your bro stole.....we know you remember what he stole lol
    *off on my aproko bike to go check out what Obasi said"
    "nearer my God/lord to thee..........nearer to thee!...........(the rest i dey bite mouth for some parts,i fear if i try to type what is in my head you will think i am trying to write german, come to think of it am not too sure my correctiion is right"
    sorry abt having to sit on your throne all day doing your kingly duties lol, just hope the throne was plush and your legs didnt cramp lol

  3. Kalu!!!!! You will not know "see finish" if it was parked in your bedroom!!!

  4. I could almost swear that I love you!!!! How is Frieda?! As for blowing hot and cold, Katy Perry said it all. Wait till she begins to again tell you to keep your spawns in your house as they have destroyed everything in
    By the way, my patience threshold for your updates is thinning.haba!

  5. This got me laughing so much! Nice post. Hope you're good now?

  6. Laugh! laugh! laugh! thats all am doing right now. Life is definitely not fair! just this ones and ur mum is... family!...can't do without without them, though! LOL!
    Nice one!

  7. Kalu,abeg pay the guy him school fees jor! hehehehehe I'm glad i stopped by,had a nice time reading this.

  8. Life isn´t fair or how could someone explain why a handsome most illigible bachelor is still single! Mummy´s is very right.

  9. Hi K, just to let you know, you are not in this alone. Some years ago, my parents dare not see me with a girl but now they are asking when I will bring her home.... hmm life. They are right sha but they should let us do it at our own space and time.

  10. Loling at your woes.... I mean the way you put it!

  11. I really love your sense of humour....wish I could meet you someday.. :)

  12. Your mom is right though.Then, she has to be patient.One thing your mom said got my attention;She said eating outside is a bad habit, and nasty.Have you ever thought of not giving somebody a hand shake? OR not wanting to show your hand during the peace sign in church?That's one thing i hate!giving hand shakes.It turns me off.All i see is somebody picking/poking his nose, and using that same unclean hand to greet me.Ish!!

  13. Kalu, you have a great sense of humour, and it must be a family thing according to your transcription of your mother's word.
    Coming to the topic, Not eating outside is one of the biggest warning our dear mothers gave us...but today it's quite impossible to respect that golden rule...I mean people are working all day far from their homes, sometimes in another country. How can you excpect them to eat only at home?
    Where is home and how can you define it finally?

  14. Hahahaha!...nicely written post..
    Fine boi like you suppose don get hitched ke..or r u playinh hard to get,ehn?
    pray tell,what actually brought to back to 9ja(no offence intended)?..

  15. 3things to add..

    The prophet never appreciated by his folks.... we appreciate you kay.

    Mom is only trying to watch your back...This is jus another way of seething out her anger.. your inability to give her yet a grandchild. They crave for it as much as we all do, but then till we find our soulmate.

    Kay..permit me to ask.. what could be d reason in your case??You are too handsome to stil be single, Girls? or you?