Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Court of Appeal

Good week everyone! Thank you for all your responses. Interestingly enough, Frieda and I had a little spar over that post as well, arguing about the veracity of the events I related. Don’t worry, it was good natured; in the mutual knowledge that I had stretched my facts a little in revenge for the upper hand she always has in our ‘debates’. It was a good laugh though, especially in the irony that most people were on her side even when I tried to turn it to suit me. Thanks!

This week I’m going to annoy her even further but I will need your feedback and support so she can see reason in what I’m trying to propose. We’ve had an argument on this issue before and she at the time refused to see the big picture that would be to the benefit of us both – the benefit of living life to the full! I want to buy a motorbike! No, it is not the suicidal speedos that go so fast that the wind gives you a grotesque grin by stretching your lips right back to your ears and make your cheeks flap like a flag on a happy day. A safety record on those fiends is to retain all your limbs and spine – not necessarily all your skin - after at least ten crashes, and that’s in a year. I’m talking about the big massive touring bikes that you actually have the time to slot in a CD or ipod, cruise along the highway and drink in the scenery around you. With these beauties, there’s no need for those hideous cocoon like helmets that make one look like an alien but has one shaped rather like a cap that’s strapped just under the chin. I first saw it on George Clooney and fell in love. Plus one can pose much as he wants to, as bikes give one the cool aura that cannot be replicated anywhere else.

I had gone to pick up my invitation card at the studio for the wrap up Tinsel party when Alex, one of the directors on set ran up to me to gleefully drag me to see his new toy. He had bought a Suzuki bike earlier on – it had an automatic transmission- and it was an absolute steal. It was so pretty and at the same time very frugal. I had salivated on the time I’d cut in half in Lagos traffic with it and proposed buying it to Frieda. Hm, na wa O! I don’t know why women always love to end a matter before understanding the beginning at least. She began by panicking and mourning my death which she could clearly see and attacked me for threatening to cut short the plans we have together. Did I know how many people died from motorbike accidents? I, being naturally cool headed and logical, told her that I would not get on any bike unless I was fully trained to do so, until I’d learnt to ride in a manner that wouldn’t harm me or people around me. Besides I wasn’t like all those okada riders (commercial motorcyclists) who leave their brains at home and have a chronic aversion to patience and stopping for anybody except to pick up passengers. I was a responsible young man who has a desire to build and fend for his family and so wants to live long and healthily. She won that round and the matter was rested.

Alex’s new bike was a roaring beauty – 750cc of gleaming chrome and studded plastic seats, complete with an orgasmic throb from under the seats. I could imagine carrying my lady on the pillion – if she go gree! The best part of it, he told me was that he belonged to a club of bikers that had two groups – the speeders and the tourers. He belongs in the tourers’ They always train members in the club and safety is their watchword. They even have a fifty six year old lady who has just joined and is taking lessons in riding! The best part? They periodically go en masse on tours around the country; from Lagos to Maiduguri in the northern part of the country or to Bayesla in the south or even take an eight day tour to circumvent the country. Could you imagine the possibilities that could come from such an experience? The brotherhood, the invaluable insights one could garner from experiencing new cultures and meeting diverse tribes never known before? Imagine the countless stories and experiences I’d share with you my good people about people, animals, sights, smells and sounds and foods? Speak for me my brethren. I have come to you first so you can convince Frieda to let me join this club. Let this slogan reverberate in your psyche – Safety is their Watchword – and consider that I have chosen wisely and am not a madman waving brands of fire about. I’m going to face madam with my second proposal but first I’ll pray, post this article, wait till evening or tomorrow morning before I tell her. Hopefully, I’ll be able to refer her to your favourable comments for leverage. So go on, Speak hands for me! Have a great week ahead everybody and a happy Sallah weekend to my Muslim brethren – actually me too because I’m going to start looking for whose house I’ll be eating ram at this weekend!


  1. Thinking about how dangerous bikes are and how many people do loose their lives yearly, i was going to say a big capital NO, but the truth is that only God protects.

    People die in the safety of their homes daily, so we can't always let fear rule our actions and decisions.

    My advice is: join the club, fast+pray for protection whilst on the bike, have crazy fun!

  2. Haa a motorbike.
    Every man's dream i hear, and every woman's worst nightmare (okay not every woman)
    i can just picture moi on a cool red bike, decked out in leather, with some kick ass Louboutins. SHOWSTOPPER.

    *Snap out of it*

    Well, i don't think it is soo much a bad idea, i mean, u rnt gonna be riding it on a daily basis right?
    Plus having a "touring group" is fun, i hear. i mean they do raise awareness for all sorts, be it prostrate cancer orwhat have you.

    The Mrs is gonna argue that that happens only in the west (maybe), but all it takes is one man (or woman) to kick this plan in high motion. :)

    Goodluck convincing her.

    i don't see anything wrong in owning a bike as long as it doesn't take up 24 hrs of ur day!


  3. Kalu I'm for you on this one, I'll tell you this story though.

    A friend was learning to ride. He fell in love with 1000cc on two wheels but his GF advised caution. He joined the club, started practicing. After several lessons, he failed the first club test. He's still learning oo, but he's not fired up anymore. Your guess is as good as mine whether he'll still buy a bike.

    BTW, you and Freida may enjoy my romance novel. Check out my store and download my book,

  4. I thought you had settled on Fashola's many rams do you want to eat? lol...

    I understand ur gf's fears/worries/concerns...who wouldn't? Maybe if yu took her to the said club and she sees a few riders in training, as well as the experts riding, she'd change her mind. The 56yr old woman rider might also help alleviate her fears...

    All the best.

  5. Ride a bike in Lagos? Really everyday Taxis, danfos, molues and even okada are all out to get you.
    Motorcycles are good fun, but with great risk. I strongly urge you to reconsider.

  6. formerly stealth readerNovember 27, 2009 at 8:04 PM

    lol....hmm bikes........i dunno wat to say since ur here to garner ur support sadly i think i will be honest.............i dig d whole tourers thing and the adventure.......but u see i am a "chopper" fanatic and i once harbored day dreams of my own; owning a bike and cruising lukin like a bad ass but d sad reality is that bikes are unsafe even d makers (occ) said so themselves unless u live in a small county the risk of accident is great but den i havent seen clooneys' bike yet so i cant say...........but sometin tells me ders BS lurking in the corner, while i wud appreciate d stories from ur biking adventures we both know u dont want a bike cos of dis selfless act lol so am sorry to say i have to side with Frieda lol (if i cant have a bike i will try everytin within my power to make sure no one else can, if i can help it and for this reason alone i say Frieda is right *evil laughter*)try hiking, cycling(lance armstrong style lol)............yeah.

  7. I love bikes 2 but I have a bikerboy friend who just had an accident and trust me,it wasn't a pretty sight but my neighbour's been riding for about twenty years(he says) and has never had any incident.If you decide to buy a bike 'K' just be safe out there,don't mess up the face :-)


    Bia, Kalu ... you said you want to ride an okada? For what purpose and reason? Is it nece or compu that you would ride? Your mates are out there aiming for private jets, and you, you want to ride on okada. I don't blame you!! If I see your leg on that okada, Kalu... hmmm!! If I see your leg ehn... I will show you what fire does to the ears of the rat.


    Okay, that was fun, I think. I'm indifferent about the bike. I'm more concerned about other drivers and riders knocking you off the road than I am of you not riding well. It is in fact in Nigeria you'll be riding, right? Let's just say our people have not been known to be the best drivers/riders.

    Good luck convincing your girlfriend.

  9. Being a good rider doesn't stop you from being at the mercy of irresponsible ones. That said, only God protects so go for your bike.

    I wanna get one of those babies too & my mum has sworn to have a heart attack if i do..... the 8 day tour sounds perfect, now i'm really gonna find a way to convince my mum.

  10. Mmmm, if u get as much as a scratch on u, u know ur GF will blame us(the supporters), right?

    But GF, let the man have his toy. if there's a club, then they should have laws guiding the riders. if its here in naija, i have not heard of any accidents. i love seeing them on one of those their trips(with half my heart in mouth as well).

    since you probably won't be competing on the roads with our popular reckless okada riders, i'll swallow the bile slowly rising from the pit of my stomach and say "give it a try."

    But k, you need to swear!..."to ABIDE by those laws, the WHOLE laws and NOTHING but the laws" so help u God if you as much as break those laws and break a nail... pls Frieda, feel free to fry his B....! if he tries to spin a yarn about it? feel free to seek advise on how to fry his B.... crispy!!!

    Nice one K.
    wish you luck in convincing Frieda!

  11. Hmmm, You probably already lost or won the battle of convicing Frieda. Whatever decision you make, be ready to enjoy and /or suffer any consenquences. Have a blast and be safe.

  12. I am just reading this, i guess the case is closed now but i have to add this,will joining this club not take more of the little time you will have together? honestly i love bike yes from a far and someone else riding. My hubby loves bikes and it is a never ending argument he is not going to get one they are dangerous! you are just starting life i would like you to continue with all parts functioning well so NO. Find another hobby.