Monday, November 22, 2010

The Visitor

Keeping secrets is such a terrible thing, just as telling lies is; I know because I’m keeping one and I’m burning to tell you all about it. It’s a wonder I haven’t blown up yet because this infant I’m harbouring is well past its gestation period. If what they say about good things coming to those who wait is something to go by then this had better be worth it because I’m having to plug my ears so they don’t leak out of there as well. Good week everyone and a very hearty Barka de Sallah to my Muslim brothers and sisters. How’s everyone this week? Me? I’m not sure how I’m feeling. Oh darn it! I am sure how I’m feeling! I am in a very lousy mood right now. A day I should have spent hopping from one Muslim friend’s house to another filling the gaps between my teeth and sorting them out with tooth picks or floss afterwards has just been loused up by Frieda for no reason I can lay my hands on whatsoever. My crime that I can barely make out from all the gibberish she’s uttered so far? Empathy. Empathy! Just to say, “I don’t exactly know how you’re feeling but I’ll share it with you”. That’s all!

What happened? It all began yesterday, no, the day before yesterday when Frieda was in distress for the best part of two days, nay, she still is in pain now as we speak but to a much lesser degree. She was on her period during the stated time and she was in extraordinary pain, worse than any I’d ever known her to have. Matter of fact the pain was excruciating. I could tell because she couldn’t even stand up let alone walk straight. She was on her period, the, like I’d said earlier, the most painful I’d ever experienced her to be in. Frieda is the sweetest thing ever and even in that pain she was still a trooper; she still asked me how I was, trying to ignore her own discomfiture and I, on my part (bearing in mind I’d never seen her nor any other person in this kind of distress before), resolved to do all I could in my power to be as supportive as possible. That was a time I was especially glad I was created a man. Imagine being scared --itless of wearing white trousers to a party or feeling a wetness that has little to do with arousal. At the same time I remembered the wise words of an elderly friend; “When your woman is being irrationally and illogically annoying, don’t fight her, be patient and calm. When she’s going through a very rough time, stay with her. When she’s going through trials, stand by her. She’ll forgive you almost anything when you start to misbehave because she’ll never forget what you do for her.” Unfortunately for me, sleep was at its sweetest during this time.

I didn’t stand by her. I was made to wait upon her, stand by her and my circulation cut off by her claws! Even when I tottered on my feet, completely at a loss of what to do – say sorry, hold her hand, rub her back and wonder how all this was going to assuage the agony she was going through. Would it not be better if she just went to the doctor’s for some prescription? I tried urging her to go the gym to do some exercise so it’d flow better. No. It was me she wanted. I did not sleep for three days and even when I tried to harden my heart, watching her suffer was too much for me to ignore. Is this what I’d see in marriage? No way man! I’d sooner plant twins in there so the aperture (not the one that really matters of course) would open up a little bit more, let it run free and save me from the cyclic lunar madness . Periods? Damned when they come, damned when they don’t. Still, that is not what I’ve called you all here to complain about.

What I have called the community to complain about is about what happened afterwards. Would you believe that – okay what happened was this. Frieda was feeling rather low the next day and feeling a little depressed – we all get that way sometimes – and I tried encouraging her, telling her what a trooper she was, and telling the tons of things she’s accomplished in such a short space of time. We talked for over an hour and true to myself, I was as patient and supportive as ever. She calmed down, seemed to lighten up and I left it at that. She came back again, revisiting the same subject we’d just dealt with. Calmly, and still true to my nature, I considered that it might be prudent to try another approach and deftly tried to swing the mood to a more upbeat one. I talked about the funny incidents that had brightened my day, in the hope that it would cheer her up a little. Ah! Obirin! What I got for my trouble was a serious tongue lashing about how insensitive I was to her plight and that I only thought of myself! I was accused of being uncomfortable in unfamiliar territory and would use humour and jokes to get out of it. Me, Kalu, run away? I was so angry! Who was it that spent three whole sleepless nights caring for her during her time of need? Who was it that kept talking until he had nothing else to say? Who was it that… In short, I’m not going to provoke myself. I will be the bigger man. I will ignore the fact that you, Frieda, completely soured my day and made me cancel all my Sallah ram meat appointments, kept me holed up in my flat seething with anger and my lost appetite. But, I’ll be the bigger man. I will forgive. I hold no grudge against you. I only ask that you, my people judge this matter and tell me what I have done wrong. Have a great week everyone, and to you too my dearest Frieda!

PS. This post was actually written last week and the said day happened to be on her birthday which is what made the experience all the more strange. Hm, I wonder…


  1. lol!!!! hilarity at its peak...We've all been Friedas at some point. Trust me, the mood swings that accompany periods are inexplicable. Just chill for her...she'll apologise later...

  2. lol...this is so funny...I doubt that you intended it to be, or that you yourself find it funny, but I'm afraid I can't help it.hahaha.

    (Now composed)...Thanks for standing by her, and for being the man and forgiving least you realise it was her situation/condition that made her seemingly irrational and unkind in her statement, so bros no vex.

    As for your sallah meat, don't worry, many more will come...

  3. Eh ya, I feel her pain. Pele Frieda and stop patting yourself on the back Kalu, lol...

  4. yeah, pat her furry back. This is new, never heard of menstrual cramps lasting 3 days!

    C'mon, u can whisper... she's a cat right?Right?

  5. I can't seem to stop lmao...with your discription of the incident....but i can assure you, her reaction to you at that point in time was'nt personal, that was the hormones talking, and sometimes i wonder WHY God took all the deep emotional trauma and every-thing it entails, and put it in us women...But hey!!! who am i to question Gods creation...i bet he had his reasons, which maybe was to balance things out.

    However, if i was a judge in this situation, i will say Kalu...well done for being so patience with her...and please master that patience, love, understanding, support and kindness especially during the time of the month...cos u will need alot of you have no idea what we are going through at that point....And to you frieda....i will recomend you go to the doctor and get some pain killer and take some hormonal balance vitamins during the week b4 and the week during ur will help balance your temperiment...cos men were'nt made to understand the emotional trauma we go through. So sometimes it could cos a strain in our relationships...

    Weldone though kalu...and take it easy with her...more-over it was her by all means keep calm and be supportive, shower her wih love and try imagining ur self in her shoes, it will help you in dealing with the situation appropraitely...

    Much love to you both

  6. From your description, i'm still trying to figure out if dis frieda is just a figment of an imaginative mind

  7. oohhhh, thank you anonymous 6:04. you are the only one reading in between the lines. Ahhhh, at last some one thinks like me. Mr Kalu, care to elaborate?

  8. i'm with anon6:04 & franni, is SHE real or .. :)
    neways u deserve a pat on d back'

  9. Hi K, this write up, na wah o! Now to your new readers, let me answer the question if Frieda is a figment. People, she is for real. If you read the other post, you will understand better. But K, you for no let annoyance spoil your Sallah (meat) na.

  10. My guy knows not to hold anything that comes out of my mouth during this time against me.
    Sometimes, I just can´t help it. Kalu, your babe needs a lot of cuddles.

  11. Let her see a herbalist, kills the period pains in a jiffy! (If she exists)

  12. Yes, crankiness can occur, try not to argue with her. When she´s not suffereing, both of you can then sought it out.

  13. lmao poor you, and poorer frieda! you are right exercise helps, eating no sweet stuff a few days to super P's invasion and of course ibuprofen, i recommend 600mg yum!
    wow sooooo sensitive kalu! our perpetual fear of wearing white pants and having to be surprised!! meanwhile you seem pretty comfortable talking about periods, flow, widening cervixes etc lol
    anyhoo be patient! its the rollercoaster hormones.
    meanwhile anonymous, franni and LG are on to some da vinci code shit here but its like d reverse...they think frieda is fiction(an imaginary friend lol) .... get it?

  14. ..Seriously,if Freida's menstrual periods can decapacitate her like this,i suggest she sees an obgyn doctor.
    And as for you Mr K,i am sure you did your best..women can be like that attimes,..when the dust settles,and the love-doveyness returns,"revisit" the situation, might find out that you did nothing wrong.

  15. @ Formerly stealth reader,its been a while. I have missed your comments. I don't miss this blog but I also look forward to reading the comments especially yours. Most times I find myself either agreeing with you or just laughing at what it is you have to say.

    You don't know me and I hardly ever comment here (only once). However, I just wanted to appreciate your input to this blog. You take care and compliments of the season.

  16. Anonynous??? na wa for u oooooo...watin I talk na...?..but u got me there ...i no ever consider say mr kalu's frieda might be a figment of his immagination, and on that day i was ready to write oo readers...i did'nt mean to bore u with my long sirmon..ur right anonymous ...we should see the humour in should'nt be taken too seriousely.....but what i wrote there is my seriouse and honest advice from exprience ooo!!!..and some women like me might find it helpful too ...Mr Anonymous, make u pass the info to ur babe....

  17. "K" or Karen-ann I didn´t mean you oooooo!! The K stand for Kalu and I´ve been addressing him for a long time like that. You got it all wrong, abeg no vex infact I love your lengthy contribution. I am a guy and it´s nice to read from the female prospective. Seriously, I love Kalu`s blog very much to ever think of attacking anybody´s contribution so, I am looking forward to your next comment. How was the essay na? Kalu, abeg write another post kia kia, lol.

  18. cramps do all sorts of things to a woman....