Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Good week tout le monde! Easter’s just gone past; a fresh new year, a new lease of life for us Christians. A sweetheart of mine, ScarletVirgin on twitter – I have never known a name so cynical, going by her scandalous outbursts on that forum – once said that as a child, she looked forward to Good Fridays when she would pile up all the sins she committed for the year, throw them away with Jesus’ death and start afresh the following Monday. I’m not sure what her status is now but judging from her colourful language on twitter, she has either resorted to a daily cleansing with our Lord’s blood or given up entirely on any pretence at purification. My Easter weekend was a mixed bag of work, play and rest. Woke up at THREE in the morning to catch my FIVE am flight to Atlanta, hit the ground running by going straight into the charity work I was scheduled for till I was done at TWO am the next day, hit the shower, got dressed, went to a nightclub nearby, got back to the hotel at FIVE, hit the shower again, got dressed and headed for the airport to catch my FIVE hour 8am flight to Minnesota! I felt so sorry for the pretty onyibo lady seated beside me on the plane – my snoring must have added to the turbulence on the plane during the flight. The rest of the weekend was spent alternating between the bed, the fridge and the toilet seat. So, how was everyone else’s?

Thanks for the feedback on my last post. As always, some of you had me guffawing with laughter, most of whom was the ever irreverent imp Formerly Stealth Reader and her unabashed taste for vanilla milkshake. Yes Formerly, he was that scrumptious, according to Frieda, yes she was there as well, who flirted outrageously with him and even told me she’d give him two babies, to my face! Regarding his abs, well, let’s put it this way; you’d have to claw your way to the front of the queue – and I was with black women. Hopefully you’d still look presentable enough by the time you get there. Then again, there’s something about the panting, heaving, bleeding scratched tigress. Hmm…

I absolutely love the women of nowadays! Gone are the days when I used to believe we men were the predators. You only have to touch the right spot in the female homo sapiens to realize you are the insect in the venus flytrap. Be a horrible lover and you are free from her grasp. Be stupid enough to be a good lover and give her multiple orgasms and you are finished; you have become her antidote for every day, and every stress that comes her way. Unlike us men predators who attack, conquer and move on, perpetual nomads, these predators are smart; they think of tomorrow; they bolster the strength and needs of their prey, nurturing them, fattening them, feeding their ego, stealthily and cyclically guiding them back to the nurturing fertile gardens from whence they came, all the while making them think they are in charge. You only have to see an intruder (their fellow stealth predators) within their marked territory to unmask their true nature. It’s an enchanted spell I tell you and I love it! I have already told God that if there’s no sex in heaven there’d best be something far better otherwise I’m holding up a placard. Yes, I said it! I can’t fear anyone! God created sex and saw that it was good and I Kalu am living proof of that! Where is that nonsense Frieda?! Oya, come here…! Wait for what?!! Shut up! Tempter of me!

Sorry, have a great week everyone!


  1. This post reminds me of the saying, "One day, the bush meat go catch the hunter"... Men are the hunters but now we are the bush meat holding the gun shouting, "Get on your knees! Go down south or die!... Yeah, that tastes good, faster, harder..." Sex is a good and beautiful thing but as Trey Songz sang, "Sex ain't better than love". You had a busy weekend and I had a beautiful weekend and I do hope like your ScarletVirgin friend that all our sins were taken away on Good Friday..Whew! More posts... Nice piece!

  2. lol. GAP, wonder where I heard that name before, clothe line or... Hmm, I wonder... But you are right, "Sex ain't better than love", but a lot of times sex is love's servant to express it's feelings. Hard one to move from innit? Thank you though.

  3. I did say scarlet is quite a girl.

  4. I can't believe you came to my neck of the woods (Atlanta) and i didnt get a chance to meet you - granted you had an agenda, i'd have come to your filming location just to say hi.

    Anyway Kalu, be honest - as i say to all my guy friends - "Are you saying honestly that you are impressed with female predators who pursue u (men) -ok "pursue" is too desperate a word so lets say "approach men and ask them out). I have 5 brothers and a lot of male friends like yourself and we have had long conversations on this and i know from first hand experience - this is not true. Back when i was 18, 19 and mid 20s whenever i showed a guy i was interested, basically you dim the light of hunting for them (and men are hunters) and they back off. And this is not even an african thing - its a universal thing. men are hunters and they like to hunt, if you give them the meat, then you did not allow them to hunt on their own so the spark is gone. I dont know all men so i cannot generalise but from my experience those who reciprocate willl date you for a while - but trust me - the spark is not there and they will continue to hunt
    They might date you for a while but eventually they'll go out and hunt for something else cos you made it too easy for them. Its like a debate i had with some few fella friends of mine about MARRYING women who makes more money - everyone of them saids they will be absolutely fine with it but i told them thats a lie from the pit of hell. Kalu tell me this would you - biko abeg be honest.

    And on that note - i am preparing myself to go watch - Think like a man (April 20th)- lets see if Venus can finally figure out Mars.

  5. @ Akosua, how are ya? Long time. Well, regarding Atlanta, you'd have noticed I didn't even have time to lay my head on a pillow before I left but, by popular demand I will be back there this weekend for the Two Brides and a Baby premiere at the Walter C Hill Auditorium and the press wetin wetin at the Cream lounge on the 14th of this month. Regarding the Man/Woman issue, some of the best relationships I've had - and I mean the very best, not all - have been from being approached by women ranging from the subtle to the brazen. One thing they did have in common, with me as the approacher or the approached, was sincerity and mutual respect. On this platform a lot of uncertainties, insecurities, misconceptions of one another are usually smoothed over instead of sticking to rigid roles each sex is supposed to adhere to and not dare cross the 'established' boundaries. Just my thoughts.

    1. Ekene, I accidentally deleted your post. Here's your initial comment and my response to it.

      Hey Kalu,

      I'll admit I haven't been to your blog in a bit, but this last post had me laughing out loud. Funny, just the right side of irreverent. You might have another career as a columnist!

      In the meantime, I was reminded of your blog by my partner...we are collaborating on a documentary project and she will be at the premiere in Atlanta and I might be able to swing by, trying to iron out the wrinkles in my schedule.

      In any event, hope the rest of your visit is not quite as hectic. A little downtime goes a long way.

      Be well.

      Hello Ekene,
      How are you? Thank you for being one of my ardent readers (I hope). Feedback such as yours help to bolster my confidence to write a little more. I look forward to meeting you and/or your partner; I would very much like to know more about your documentary project. Take good care of yourself.

  6. Nice piece Kalu. You know what? I just finished watching "Between two Worlds" before reading this piece. It's as if both were written side by side,especially in your blog where you said "I have already told God that if there’s no sex in heaven there’d best be something far better otherwise I’m holding up a placard." Hahahahaha. This reminds me of the one that almost happened in the movie, which put you in trouble. Though it was a dream.
    Take care.

  7. Speaking of sex in heaven?...did you really say that?......God must be laughing out loud!..i mean really lolingggggg....and what should angels be doing at that time?......watching over the consummating partners?..God forgive us our wild imaginations....abeg i no want think about it...scarletvirgin does sound sarcastic...more like PregnantNun....as for the hunter,huntee,or huntor(as it is in the legal world) u just made a distinct and explicit description of a female Cavewoman...a typical Queen bee...all she needs to cater for her 'needs' is a 'capable' soldier bee...and after his services must have been rendered,he dies instanctly because he would have spent his entire existence while bedding the queen....but i think hunter or huntress,mutual understanding is highly important.....but then its much easier when d guy prey is ok with the pampering and chasing.....who says he might not actually come back for more?......like you know?..'wink'

  8. Hahahahhahahahhhhaahahhahahaahaha ;) vanilla all the way! Kalu this is how it is huh? U going to leave me to fend for myself huh? No wingman duties for u huh? Ok ooooo. Lmao even frieda wants to be his baby mama and she has u......... The life of a star; Bed-fridge-poop lol I guess am already a star kalu! Seriously though ndo........ As for the whole female predator stuff. I wish I cud be a predator. I wish I cud be all sexy n shit. I feel there's a sexy vixen hidden underneath my goofiness wish I could harness the power (without me being extremely drunk out of my mind). I have mad respect for women who hunt.......sexy. Bia kalu chineke go flog u oh lmao talking about sex in heaven .....curious though wouldn't you feel guilty/shy/ashamed always wondering if God/angels can hear u etc? Hmmm kalu getting kinky though.....:)