Valentine's Day in Lagos

A good week to everyone! The 14th of last month was Valentine’s day and thankfully, on that day, I happened to be working in the midst of a wide range of extremely beautiful ladies, from slight/slender to the outright BBW – big beautiful women – but sadly, like the proverbial man who, carrying watermelons under each arm, trudged to the watermelon market with the very intention of buying more, I simply resigned myself to admiring, or ignoring the fruit on display. I haven’t had a Valentine’s day date in Lagos in such a loooong time, and if I ever do, it will definitely take the planning of a wedding of feuding families to effect it. Why?

You and your significant other decide to give yourselves a full Valentine’s day treat by planning to see a long anticipated movie and then wine and dine at your favourite restaurant with a view to ending ‘tins’ with a bang, or maybe something slower with more emphasis on the romantic. You both kiss each other your goodbyes as each one, or one of you, goes off to work, with promises or assurances that you will meet at an agreed rendezvous from whence you’ll commence your amorous itinerary for the rest of the evening. Everything going on around you in the office, from the commencement of the business day to the pm still in its toddling stage, only serves to bespeak just how deeply the goblet of love will be drunk: the office secretary suddenly squealing in delight at a couriered package, the office aloof beauty whose desk paraphernalia, desktop computer inclusive, have to make way for the legion of love cards, love cakes and love wines to be displayed. Even the normally routinely dreary office lunch gets a love lift of its own with jollof rice on the menu being served with heart shaped dodo – fried ripe plantain slices -, softer cubes of beef and the sweating and unusually overly made up dinner lady serving up extra helpings of meats with coquettishly batting eyelashes, to the object of her affection, who’s studiously oblivious to her advances. Then the magic hour, 3pm, strikes, your cue to rush out to meet your object of desire.

You grab your presents, your laptop bag and oh, your car keys, start out, stop abruptly to cast a cursory glance at your desk to check that you haven’t forgotten anything and with a parting general farewell to any who cares to listen, you dash out to your waiting car, phone to your ear warning your sweetheart she’d better not be up to her usual tardiness. With ears pushed to the back of your head on account of a beaming neon smile, you generously tip the security guards, hop in your car and drive out into the largest car park in the world, Lagos traffic! Add to that the mobile phone network jam reminiscent of the wee hours of New Year’s Day and you can be sure whatever cracks existed in your relationship in the previous weeks will metamorphose into yawning craters. You try unsuccessfully to call her, your eyes still on the banner by the traffic lights you’ve been staring at for the past three hours of sweltering traffic and she, her frustration building, remembers that picture of you with the office beauty, her arms wrapped suggestively around your waist, your strident denials of unwholesome behind-the-door liaisons, and your delay and ‘switched off’ phone only serve to confirm her niggling doubts. You finally get to her office block and as you’re driving in you espy her chatting amiably with a small group of junior staff. You park nearby directly in line of her vision and call her cell phone and miraculously this time, it does go through. She doesn’t seem to hear her phone ring because she carries on her conversation regardless, her laughter ringing out louder and above everyone else’s. You finally get the hint after the third ring and humbly exit the car to walk to her. As you reach her she suddenly exclaims to the crew she has to go straight home on account of a blinding headache and swiftly turns around and sashays towards the car leaving you bemused with no choice but to give your onlookers a brave smile, grab whatever is left of your self control and apply a step after the other towards the car. In the course of the silent drive home, you seething with rage and she fixated on her phone and its incessant annoying message beeps, still have some presence of mind to stop over and grab a bottle or two of ‘bubbly’ or her favourite wine and…

Far be it from me to go delving in other people’s private lives, so, on that note I will have to end here. But, would it be so bad if, even if the wine is not drunk and you both cart your icy weather to bed with you, she unusually clothed and facing the other way, you surreptitiously sidle up to her to gently spoon her, your free arm creeps around her hips and navel, and upwards to the soft globules you know so well until she deftly but gently moves it away. You, feigning resignation, sigh, kiss her left shoulder and relax in the first throes of slumber. A moment of silence, an imperceptible shift of her rump into your groin and a slow smile spreads across your face. As the ice thaws and the hands fumble, the tent is raised and the stone is rolled from the well’s entrance. As you begin to draw water from the well, you begin to verbalise your indignation at being so poorly treated in the presence of outsiders. She screams out her accusations of putting another before her on such a special day, and it’s not clear what passion she’s (s)creaming) from but you know it prompts you to draw water faster and faster as you both argue back and forth until she vents her frustration in one long final shuddering scream as she clasps you tightly to herself. An hour later, or considerably less, depending on the ardour expressed and the self control applied, two of you polish off the hitherto ignored bubbly and reminisce on the day while cooking up what excuse to give for not being able to turn up for work the next day. Valentine’s Day in Lagos might not be such a bad idea after all. Have a great week everyone

Valentine

A good every to everyone and a belated Valentine’s Day to all. I’m in such a good mood today even though I’m at work and am yet to shoot a single scene where my character threatens a poor hapless woman begging for her life. I love being a bad guy. Maybe it’s that quest to know if I’ll be able to eke a living for myself in the underworld should the surface and middle worlds fail me. All those years of day dreaming are finally paying off. I’m high on two very strong cups of coffee and a bottle of Coca Cola and am listening to Enya’s “Now We Are Free”, the soundtrack for the movie Gladiator ; not the best combination for someone who’s trying to keep both feet on the ground. Anyway how was everyone’s day yesterday?

Mine began yesterday with me going out to pick my script up at the Tinsel office and ending up spending four hours on the road for what should have lasted thirty minutes. Valentine. I got there and kissed Blessing, the pretty receptionist happy birthday, got my scripts and ran off before my favourite ladies espied me standing dangerously close to the local tuck shop which was already bursting at the seams with the season’s goodies. Valentine. Determined to have a story to tell you my readers, I went to give myself a treat at Oh La La, a confectionery in the heart of Ikeja, to get some carrot and cheesecakes. Oooh they do make exceedingly good cakes, so much so that my greed overtook me and compelled me to add a Black Forest cake to the loot. Anyway, here’s the interesting bit. I took my shopping over to the counter to pay, and in high spirits, I wished the pretty cashier a happy Valentine’s Day. I must have said it in a low voice because she didn’t seem to hear me so wished her a happy Val’s again, my voice a teeny notch higher. She looked up, smiled sweetly at me and said “Oh thank you sir. Same to you too sir. You didn’t come with your wife sir?” I blinked, then said “Oh, I left her at home.” I promptly paid for my cakes and promptly left. Valentine. E never finish o!

I drove towards home and along the way I remembered that my generating set was a bit low on fuel, so I stopped by a petrol station to put some in the jerry can in Betty’s boot. The petrol attendant at my pump was very effusive and attended to me with gusto. He filled my can up and stowed it in the boot. I thanked him, paid him and made to get into my car when I heard him mumble something ‘to himself’. I opened my door and heard it again, this time a little louder but still incomprehensible. I had by this discerned that he was trying to pass something across to me and asked him to please repeat himself. With some disquiet and with his eyes hovering somewhere below my knees, he blurted out, “Oga (sir), I de wish you happy Falentine! Abi you no love me? Because I no get breast for my chest?” I reached into my pocket and handed him a hundred Naira note. Valentine. The rest of the evening was spent checking out a new drinking joint with my friends Femi and Cheta where we watched a football match and flirted harmlessly with an amiable barmaid. We left at about midnight, got home and I crashed on the couch.

Surprisingly, I woke up at 5am this morning before even my alarm clock did! Now I’m still nervous from the excess caffeine I’ve bolstered myself with. It’s 6pm now and I still have five more scenes before I can leave for home – late night today. It’s okay though, at least you get to know what my Valentine was like – well part of it, because I still have to convince madam that only she was on my mind throughout yesterday. I will survive. Have a great week everyone!

My Wonderful Valentine

     Good week everyone! Right, how many things do I have in my head today? Not many, but I do feel a swollen head from the enormity of the thoughts in it. First is a song or should I call it classical music piece that I have been playing in my head over and over, and over again. Lovely piece though and since I’m have no clue on how to write music ( my droll music teacher in secondary school killed it for me) I’ll simply refer everyone to the movie I heard it from. The movie is called the, I think, "Valentine Caveman" starring Samuel L Jackson as a homeless classical music genius who had so many spirits playing in his head, both good and bad. 

Now I know why the blues I’ve been feeling have been playing this song over in my head! Valentine’s day and Frieda. I had a horrible Val’s weekend and she’s still not talking to me. All we’ve talked about since then have been plans of what we want to do for the next three months, business, what to do, which family to call but no playful pulling of the cheeks, even the “I love yous”  have been brassy. I wouldn’t even dare smack her on the bottom let alone venture between them – but, hehehe, I do know that when it does happen, it will be well worth the wait! That piece has been playing in my head ever since and has been so apt via the one star instrument I know that comes nearest to expressing complexities of my thoughts that even the spoken language cannot, the piano. Its ability to make me transcend the normalities around me to the pure subliminal sphere where my mind always wants to be, with its erratic yet consistent and purposeful fluttering like that of a butterfly, makes her my favourite of all musical instruments.

 The fight was about one of the stalwarts of any relationship, finance. And it was my fault, too. We had agreed to set aside some money for a project this February but I went and used it for something else thinking I’d get the money needed from someone who owed me from a project I’d done a week earlier. Alas the money was not forthcoming and the bubble burst when she suddenly asked me about it, with love shining in her eyes, on the stupid lovers’ day. You should have seen the stunned shock and then the hurt that filled her eyes before they completely frosted over and then came the metallic tone she always uses when talking aggressive business. My day took the plunge of a parachuteless skydiver. It’s been business and courtesy ever since although I must say she has been thawing out gradually and steadily – trust my skills now; I’m a bigz boyz!

 It has taught me though, and it’s painful too, that I’m not a sole proprietor anymore and that finances in a relationship should never be joked with, even with the sweetest of them, and trust me, she is, if I’m ever going to live in peace and harmony in a co-habiting relationship. So baby, I’m sorry, I promise to work hard at not doing it again. So as regards tonight, all sanctions lifted? Still thinking about it? I’ll wait im-, patiently…

  This week’s post is dedicated to an illustrious son of our beloved country. Like I said before, my dear country is too bigz to be brought down; we are an amazingly unique people. We may not have had the kind of leaders committed to steering us in the right direction but we, the collective, never fail to shine as stars. Just when we were groaning under the weight of the shame one of ours, a would be terrorist, brought on us, another, has the dream of representing us in the coming winter Olympics 2014, after he’s done beating his leukemia! Yes my friends, as I write now Seun Adebiyi has just had a, and I hope successfully, bone marrow transplant. That the least of his feats. You should go to his blog and feel the full force of the positive energy emanating from this young man. The man loves to live and clearly loves to share too. I don’t mean the desperate clinging onto life because you’re terrified of the unknown. No, I mean the celebration of life so much so that you notice the beauty of the little things in life; the smile of a labourer trudging home from work as he sees his little ones rushing out to greet him and seizing his bag of weary tools, remembering the best summers in your life while going through its worst blizzards and so much more. His winning smile alone embodies his whole perspective to life even with his swollen face from the abrasive drugs he’s been pumped with to fight organ or tissue rejection. I’d go on and on and still not do Seun any justice but I enjoin all of us to rally round him and give him our best support; he embodies our good nature and strong will and desire for success. I will be following his progress and will write on him from time to time. (Seun's Blog)

  Okay this is getting a bit long so I’ll have to pen off here till next week. Let’s be happy, be more prayerful, not give up dreaming and work hard to achieve our dreams! Have a great week everyone, and me, I hope I get a Valentine’s day extension – tonight!